Clown City
Shorty’s Dive Bar
Past bedtime

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As we enter Shorty’s Dive Bar, a clown in speedos performs a series of complex somersaults into the pool from the diving board and scores almost a perfect 10 across the judges, except for that one Clownadian judge who only gives 8s! What’s his deal anyway!?

But that’s a story for another time.

Right now we go to the bar, where we see a gymnast riding that thing like a rodeo bull… Wait, this isn’t a dive bar! This is the Olympics! This isn’t where this story takes place!

The camera and narrator make a quick 180 and leave the olympics, head out onto the street and go next door to Shorty’s Dive Bar but for real this time, you can tell it's a real dive bar as there’s a lifeguard ignoring everyone and working on his tan from the fluorescent lights.

Slumped at the bar is a series of clowns, not to be confused with a season of clowns, that’s different and usually has more episodes. One clown, frazzled in a suit, rests his elbow on the bar furious scribbling on some paper as his drink sits untouched beside him.

The bartender heads over, cleaning a glass with an endless length of rags tied together. “What ya working on, bozo?”

The clown in the suit looks up at him, “I’m Pending Lawyer Clown, and if I don’t pass this bar exam I’m screwed!” He looks back at the paper, “What bar usually serves their drinks in novelty glasses resembling Polynesian deities!?”

“That’d be a Tiki Bar, bub.” The bartender replies, handing over a drink in a coconut to a fellow patron, a sparkler sticking out fizzing fire everywhere.

“That’s it!” Pending Lawyer Clown lets out, scribbling the answer with much joy! “I’ve done it! I can’t wait to set murderers free!”

The clown hops, skips and jumps out of the bar as Bartender Clown chuckles to himself, “You did it again, Bartender Clown.” He murmurs to himself looking out longingly, “... You fell in love…”

“Hey…” A sad, pathetic and frankly disgusting voice meekly raises, “Could I get another drink please? … It’s fine if not…”

Bartender Clown sneers at Ennui Clown whose body is at the angle of the letter “L” but tipped over and leaning across the bar like this “⌐”. He slams the glass down and it shatters into pieces as Bartender Clown pulls out another and begins wiping it clean before heading over to Ennui Clown.

“Listen here ya bum! You’ve been sulking in this bar since I opened this morning! You’re depressing my customers!”

Bartender Clown grows a third arm out of his back as his other two arms are preoccupied and he signals to the other clowns who are too busy doing gags to be a part of his bit. Bartender Clown looks confused for a moment. “Oh wait, not that section, that’s the fun section.” He looks to his right to the Sad Alcoholic Section and points to a bunch of drunken sad hobo clowns.

Ennui Clown uses all his strength to move a single eyeball over to the section, “Isn’t it always that bad?”

One clown wearing a boot for a hat replies, “This used to be the family section *hiccup*” before he grabs Ennui’s eye and throws it back over in frustration.

“Papa!” The fully adult clown across from Wears-a-Boot-for-a-Hat Clown asks like a little British orphan, “Will we ever see Mummy again?”

A tomb opens beside them and a full-ass mummy lurches out, “I’M HERE SON, NOW SUFFER THE CURSE OF RA!”

A sandstorm brews and screams come from the section formerly known as the family section as scarabs begin to attack the patrons, Bartender Clown spits in the glass and looks back at Ennui Clown.

“Now gone and look what ya did!” He says angrily.

“... My bad…” Ennui Clown says, depressingly putting his eyeball back into its socket.

“Look at ya! You’re soaked!” Bartender Clown says before a whistle is heard and Lifeguard Clown throws a rubber ring around Ennui Clown. “You’re a loser, Ennui! All ya do is bring misery wit ya!”

Ennui Clown holds up his VHS copy of Misery starring James Caan and Kathy Bates, “It’s a good movie… I guess…”

“Get outta my damn bar!” Bartender Clown barks as a large shepherd's crook comes in from the side and yanks Ennui Clown out onto the Clown City streets in a tasteful scene transition.

Ennui Clown lands on his butt with a sigh before slowly slumping down like he has no bones in his pathetic little body.

A crash sounds out from the alley beside Shorty’s and Ennui’s ears perk up, literally, they both hold tiny cups of coffee and throw them down his ear canals. Ennui, with more vigor and curiosity than Curiosity Clown begins to move down the street like a hungry caterpillar looking for a big leaf until he reaches the alley. Footsteps echo between the buildings, each followed by loud honks that drift into the night sky, Ennui Clown sighs as he looks at the sorry state before him.

“Who put this mirror here?” He says looking back at his reflection before turning his head slightly to look at the murder scene before his eyes.

A baker’s dozen of clown corpses litter the alley, as well as a crashed clown car, its blinkers lighting up the area in a rhythm. Ennui Clown inflates himself like a wacky waving inflatable arm tube man and gets to his feet, his shoes honking quietly as he inspects the area with a frown.

“Poor guys…” He says to himself, reaching the clown car and peeking at a large bag in the passenger’s seat.  “... I always thought they shouldn’t have named this Crime Scene Alley… Just spells trouble.”

“It actually spells Crime Scene Alley.” A voice comes from behind him and two police officers stand at the entrance menacingly holding batons and smacking them into their palms.

One of them, Stereotypical Corrupt Irish Officer Clown spits on the ground, “Well, well, well, look’a what we ‘av ‘ere!” He says, Irishly! “A lone babby takin’ a wee stroll down a murda scene, looks mighty suspicious, wouldn’t ya say' Can’t-Tell-When-Clowns-Are-Being-Literal Clown?”

“More than suspicious.” He speaks as the two encroach on Ennui, “It looks like he murdered 13 clowns and decided to just hang around, classic murderer tactics.”

“Erm… I didn’t do this,” Ennui Clown gestures around him, “I just wanted to see what happened…”

“Oh!” Stereotypical Corrupt Irish Officer Clown lets out, jovially, “Well if that’s the case, we’d best be on our merry way then!”

Can’t-Tell-When-Clowns-Are-Being-Literal Clown does a 180 and leaves, Stereotypical Corrupt Irish Officer Clown double takes before sighing.

“I really need to watch what I say.” He pays close attention to each speech bubble leaving his mouth until shock crosses his face, “Oh my Clown God! I’m Irish!?”

“Did somebody say thirteen?” A voice comes from behind Ennui Clown.

“A few sentences ago, yeah!” Stereotypical Corrupt Irish Officer Clown says as he spots Triskaidekaphobia Clown coming up behind Ennui Clown , “I oughta knew you two wee ner’do’wells t’would be up to some business ‘t’or another! Gonna have to shut ya both up fer good!”

SCI Clown smirks as Triskaidekaphobia Clown tuts, “It’s clowns like you that give the Clown City Police Department a bad name.”

“Hey… Can I just go?” Ennui asks as he slumps down on the Clown Car hood.

“Yeah! TO HELL!” Stereotypical Corrupt Irish Officer Clown pulls out a Tommy Shillelagh and opens fire on the pair, bullets ricochet across the alley as Triskaidekaphobia Clown ducks into cover and Ennui… Just kinda lays there. Triskaidekaphobia Clown pulls out a revolver and fires back, SCI Clown pulling up himself by the crotch of his pants to dodge bullets going under him.

“Damn, he’s good.” Triskaidekaphobia Clown remarks as he loads another 6 shots into his revolver, “Ennui! Do… Something!”

Ennui Clown sighs and stands up reluctantly and heads into cover with his partner as bullets spray all around him leaving an Ennui-shaped outline in the wall behind him that follows his movement like a flipbook. A sad flipbook. Triskaidekaphobia Clown empties his chamber as SCI Clown runs out of magical bullets.

“I know yer out, Trisk! You shot 12 times and if you load one more bullet that’ll make it thirteen! And we all know how ya feel about that!” Stereotypical Corrupt Irish Officer Clown mocks as he pulls out a box of Lucky Charms and empties the context over his Shillelagh to reload it with a rainbow of crunchy goodness and soft marshmallows.

“He’s right, Ennui. We’re fucked.” Triskaidekaphobia Clown sighs.

“Oh you’re more than fucked, laddies! You walked in on the worst case of yer lives! Full of deceit and corruption! An unsolvable murder mystery spanning tree promos! Ya, should’a stayed home, Ennui Clown!”

“I wanted to… But I started this thing in a bar for some reason.” Ennui sighs, “Hey, Trisk… Why don’t you put 2 bullets in your gun at the same time? That way you’ll skip thirteen.”

“Gah!” Triskaidekaphobia Clown winces, “Stop saying that word, ya mook! Wait! I just had a brilliant idea!”

Triskaidekaphobia Clown grabs two bullets and loads his gun and pulls the trigger, the bullets fire in a row, ass to mouth as it were, and when Stereotypical Corrupt Irish Officer Clown dodges one, he gets hit by the second!

“Oh faith and begorrah!” He exclaims extra Irishly as he falls to the ground throwing out red ribbons to symbolise a dramatic blood spray.

Triskaidekaphobia Clown stands up and looks at his firearm before throwing it down on the ground in a panic, he runs his palms down his face, wiping away the sweat and whipping his hands. Buckets of sweat splash against the alley walls and a whistle comes from the side as a rubber ring is hurled over Triskaidekaphobia Clown.

“I pulled the trigger thirteen times…” Triskaidekaphobia Clown remarks to Ennui who does not car, slumped face first into the floor. “C’mon Ennui, we’ve got a case to solve and we’re gonna need all the help we can get, isn’t that right, fellas?”

A spotlight shines down on the alleyway showing!

An alleyway!

It inches to the right with a creak showing!

Noir Clown and Southern Gentleman Detective Clown!

“Indeed!” SGD Clown gestates, “A regular ol’ baker’s dozen, minced into a menagerie of death and for h’what!? This will be a most curious case to crack.” He ponders smoking an exceedingly long cigar.

“Hmmm.” Noir Clown runs a finger across his chin looking down at the deceased, “This looks like a set-up. Like shooting clownfish in some kind of container that holds water, the only thing that ain’t holding water is the dame’s story who sent me here.”

“I’ve been itching for another mystery.” SGD Clown responds, taking a step back and visualises the scene, “The clown car must’ve entered the alley at speed, perhaps chasing down someone? And when it got so far the ten clowns inside were riddled with bullets.”

SGD Clown ponders this as he inspects the casings and follows them down the alley.

Noir Clown points intensely down the alley, looking more like Willem Dafoe Clown than Willem Dafoe in clown makeup, “So a few were waiting for them to enter and there was a firefight!!!” Noir Clown mimics getting hit by bullets as he visualises the scene intensely.

“But the question remains,” Triskaidekaphobia Clown adds, “Why did they come down this alleyway? Who was waiting for them? And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?”

“Thirteen.” Both Noir Clown and Southern Gentleman Detective Clown reply in unison.

Triskaidekaphobia Clown throws up. “This job, fucking hate this fucking job… Fuck!”

“...Hey…” Ennui Clown says as he holds up a candle in a sleeping gown and nightcap, “... I’m gonna go…”

“H-what!?” SGD Clown exclaims, “Ennui like it or not you’re entwined in this web now! Corrupt police will knock on your door, if anyone recognizes you it’ll be… Knives Out!” Southern Gentleman Detective Clown jims the camera with a smirk.

“... That’s fine…”

“Listen, kid.” Noir Clown points a finger, “You walk away from this, it's gonna follow you the rest of your life. Like a lost puppy of traumatic recursions.”

Ennui shrugs, “Whatever…”

Triskaidekaphobia Clown sighs looking at the others, SGD Clown splutters his lips with his hands on his hips. “This guy is bumming me out!”

Ennui slowly and painfully scoots his feet out of the alley but before he leaves he turn to the others, “Oh… Someone ran off to the left at the end of the alley…”

“Did you see their face?” SGD Clown steps forward, intrigued.

“Yeah… White face, red nose, silly hair and had heavy makeup on.” Ennui replies.

“Hm.” All three of them think.

“Sounds like White-Face-Red-Nose-Silly-Hair-with-Heavy-Makeup Clown.” Noir responds.

“Nah,” SGD shakes his head, digging his hand in his pockets, “Her and Adultery Clown have been locked in ridiculous intercourse in that sleazy motel over there.”

He nods across the street to a set of bleachers with a huge audience of clowns watching the bonking through a lit window as Adultery Clown jackhammers the fuck out of WFRNSHWHM Clown. He wipes the sweat from his brow and lifts up his safety goggles as the jackhammer stops running, “Oh boy, I love cheating on my wife!”

The camera pans down to the jackhammer, “It’s a living!”

Back to the alley.

“Oh…” Ennui throws a thumb at the cop lying on the ground, “And that guy pretended to die… He’s fine… He probably knows everything.”

“An excellent deduction, Ennui.” SGD Clown strolls southerly over to the cop, “Wake Up, Dead Man!”

He jims the camera again, with an extra spice of jimming!

Ennui walks out of the alleyway, but Noir stops him.

“Ennui Clown, hold up!” Noir’s arm extends and he places the bag from the car into Ennui’s backpocket that fits snugly. “Ya forgot your bag!”

Noir pats Ennui’s back and kisses his forehead before going back to business.

And Ennui just leaves!

… This is his promo and he walks away! With vital evidence!

What a bunch of clowns!

“Say,” Triskaidekaphobia Clown turns to Noir, “You got the time?”

Noir lifts the cuff of his trench coat and looks at the cat wall clock attached to his wrist, “Er, 1am.”

“1am huh?” Triskaidekaphobia Clown places a cigarette in his mouth, “If it was 1pm that’d be 1300 in military time… Thirteen…” He lights the cig, “This fucking town…”

STARWIPE to Ennui’s sad little home.

“I wish I was a regular little home,” his house sighs.

“Quit complaining!” A firehouse across the street screams at it, “I’m literally in flames right now!”

As the fire roars, a firetruck enters the scene and the clowns exit screaming as the truck is on fire because it was a firetruck- You get it, it’s stupid.

Inside that shitty house, Ennui lays face down on shag carpeting, the bag beside him. Ennui looks up, his bones creaking like a haunted house as he gives a quizzical eye to the bag. He forces himself up and unzips the bag.

A golden glow emits from inside.

Ennui looks deeply into it, “... Huh.”

And zips it back up and lies back down.

…

We sit in the room for an extremely long time.

Listening to the clock tick as Ennui buries his face in the floor.

“... Sigh…”

Ennui Clown turns his face and lies on his cheek.

“It’s exhausting being so ennui all the time…”

“But someone’s gotta do it.”

“Everyone in Clown City has a role to play… Oversized Clown Shoes to fill…”

“I’m the clown that got this part…”

“And I do it well… I guess…”

“But look outside…”

Ennui throws his arm out and pats around the ground until he reaches the blind and pings it open showing a solid brick wall.

“Oh… Right…” He sighs again and his hand flops around until it hits another window and he opens the blind on that one showing the scarce street outside. His hand forms into a point.

“See that guy?”

That guy looks real depressed, wearing a basketball jersey as he sits at a bus stop watching the Clown-trotters absolutely devastate the Washington Generals.

“At arms, men!” One of the generals announces and pulls out a rifle equipped with a bayonet but one of the Clown-Trotters places the basketball on top of the bayonet and spins it around as Sweet Georgia Brown plays in the background.

Somewhere, a handsome and brilliant lawyer pulls down his newspaper and looks up while listening, “Hey, that one song I know!” A disclaimer comes on screen.


Back at the bus stop, the lonely guy sighs.

“See… That’s Norm Grekin.”

“He was a professional basketball player with a total playtime of 1 minute in his entire NBA career.”

“He wasn’t born a clown.”

“He became one.”

“And that’s the saddest thing I could ever imagine…”

“And I’m in a match with that Rowan Vance guy…”

“He’s gonna suffer the same fate…”

Ennui does something he’s never done before.

And smiles.

He pushes himself up and is filled with a newfound energy.

“Maybe I don’t need to be so miserable all the time!”

“Maybe… Maybe I can be useful!”

“If the Clown-Trotters can dunk on Norm Grekin, I can dunk on anyone too!”

“I can actually be a productive member of society!”

“I can help crack this case!”

“I can return this bag!”

“And show everyone the secrets it holds and maybe make the universe a better place!”

“Right after I show Rowan Vance the true meaning of despair!”

Ennui Clown laughs, for the first time in forever.

“This is it! A new beginning! I can be something new!”

“Something good!”

“Someone help-”

“You missed the deadline.” Triskaidekaphobia Clown walks into the room and walks straight past Ennui who slumps at the news, “Also I’m taking this bag, this is evidence you idiot! Why would you take it?”

“But-I … Uh… I missed the deadline?” Ennui sighs as he slumps further down.

“Yeah!” Triskaidekaphobia Clown tsks, “If you weren’t so busy feeling sorry for yourself you could have helped catch a serial killer too and blow an underground cult wide open! We arrested the fucking mayor today, Ennui!”

“Oh… Could you… Er…”

“No, I never want to relive the dangerous and sexy adventures we all had today, and no one will ever see them!”

“Oh…”

Triskaidekaphobia Clown leaves the house, slamming the down behind him.

Ennui Clown falls to the ground, his body coiling into a sad, sad slump.

“Sigh… It’s a living!”