The XWF Vault was a building as twisted and strange as the company that leased the place to begin with. Throughout all the years of the company’s existence, this building was designed as the all-seeing eye that had recorded and seen all through the company’s existence, ever since its modern reincarnation in the year 2012.

Match results. Promos. Backstage interactions. Watching over the eyes of talent in their everyday lives. Even the moments that both talent and production crew believed to be… erased from the public view. It was all captured still. It was all immortalized within the Vault to be dug up at a moment’s notice at any time. Nearly fifteen years of history, kept for safe-keeping.

Safe-keeping in the hands of one overly excited individual.

“I love my job!” Liam Desmond proudly declared as he held a thick box almost as big as his chest as he wheeled in his chair inside of his office. Inside of the box was each of the matches from the recent March Madness pay-per-view, each of them ready to be neatly categorized and sorted into the Vault. “Barely anyone can say their job’s to watch wrestling all day long! I love it!”

Out came the tapes as they tumbled onto Liam’s desk, and one by one they all went to their assigned spots. Tournament matches, TV title matches, tag team matches, each of them came to their assigned spots… until Liam saw the very opening match being all that remained in front of him: the King’s Tourney.

Open Challenge matches held a special spot inside of the XWF Vault; they were the perfect way for anyone on the roster to step forward and try to make a name for themselves. But something was wrong with the Open Challenge section of the Vault, indeed…

It was missing a match. It was missing a match that should have been the very first alphabetical entry into the entire category for an entire year, in fact. Liam never enjoyed missing matches within the Vault; they were the few cases of a blind spot within the XWF’s history. The show, of course, happened. But if the show wasn’t able to air properly and no records of it were held, then it functionally might as well have never existed.

“Well, I’m lucky Atticus never tried to get me fired after that tape went missing,” Liam noted aloud as he slid the King’s Tourney into place. “Though, I wonder what happened to it…?”

At that moment, as Liam Desmond turned around, his foot slipped on a rogue banana peel left behind!

“WAH!”

WHAM! A hard tumble right onto Liam’s back as he winced! He slowly looked up, realizing the banana peel that flew away from him as his brows scrunched together.

“Wait… I wasn’t eating any bananas earlier…”

The thick smell of cigar smoke suddenly wafted into the poor man’s nose as a foreign voice called out.

“I’m terribly sorry about that, old chap-”

“EEK!” A horrified fright shoots through Liam as he gets back onto his feet, only to lay eyes on a finely dressed man in a trenchcoat wearing red polka-dot face paint!

“…Wait. Are you… Southern Gentleman Detective Clown?”

The Clown’s face lights up upon being recognized! “Oh, ‘what a relief! I’m so utterly delighted that you managed to remember me. They say the true heroes of a story often go unremembered.”

Liam paused, brows furrowed as his eyes widened. He looked at SGD Clown. Down at himself. Back at SGD Clown. Back at himself.

He pinched himself.

“Ow!” Liam yelped as he shook his hand out.

“Well, that can’t be a good way to treat yourself, I’ll tell you h’what.”

“I’m sorry, just… how did you get here?”

“Well, with my Southern Clown Car, of course. I would have thought that’d be obvious…” SGD Clown pointed close-by down on the ground. Liam followed along, seeing a tiny Rolls Royce no bigger than his foot by one of the desks.

“Right…” Liam clapped his hands as he looked back at SGD Clown. “I think I’m going to lie down. Thank you for this… visit… but I’m going to have to ask you to leave-”

“Before that!” SGD Clown interrupted as he reached into his trench coat, producing a bubble pipe as he brought it to his mouth, and soon a storm of bubbles blew out within the storeroom. “I would like to inform you of a most curious case that I have been on the job pursuing within this past year… it was quite the harrowing journey. Like handling balloons that weren’t fully inflated…”

He reached into his trench coat again, this time producing an unmarked VHS tape. “I believe this is what you have been looking for all this time, my good sir.”

Liam took one look at the tape, the bulb inside of his head slowly beginning to light up. “So you mean to tell me… that this is…”

“Atticus’ April Fools Ass-travaganza!” the two shouted in unison.

Liam’s face lit up like a Christmas tree as he held the tape tightly in his hands. “Oh, this is awesome! Thank you so much, Southern Gentleman Detective Clown! I can show the world what happened last year, now! The people need to know who won that $20 gift card!”

A pause lingered in the air as SGD Clown stared at Liam. More bubbles from the pipe filled the air.

“I wouldn’t recommend that, Sonny,” SGD Clown remarked. “Some stories, I think… deserve to stay buried.”

“Eh?” Liam’s head cocked to the side. “No, no, no. I don’t think you understand. It’s my job to try and show the people these sorts of things.”

SGD Clown sighed, pacing back and forth as he continued to occasionally take hits of the bubble pipe. “Sonny… when Atticus Gold called it an ‘Ass-travaganza,’ he was dooming his own creation. It’s like unknowingly sitting on a primed whoopie cushion in the middle of an audience. Once that… reputation… is cast onto you, it’s hard to shake it off.”

[color=#b3d5f4]“Well, it can’t be that bad,” Liam chuckled. “I mean, I’m sure we’ve both seen some bad wrestling in our days…”

SGD Clown shook his head, but it was clear that Liam wasn’t getting the hint. “In that case, Sonny… I propose we watch this together.”

“Together?”

“Together.”

SGD Clown pointed towards the VHS projector hanging overhead with a grin on his face. “Come! Let us see a true Ass-travaganza together!”

ATTICUS' APRIL FOOLS ASS-TRAVAGANZA!!! LIVE FROM AIRHOP ADVENTURE & TRAMPOLINE PARK WARWICK WARWICK, ENGLAND OPEN ONE FALL BATTLE ROYALE ALL WELCOME WINNER WILL RECEIVE AN ACTUAL LEGIT, WORKING GIFT CARD OF $20 OR MORE 1 RP, 1K POST YOUR RPS ON THE MADNESS RP BOARD DEADLINE IS WEDNESDAY APRIL 2nd 2025 9am GMT GOOD LUCK!

The VHS comes to life with a static haze as 5 competitors, 5 gods amongst men stand in Warwick’s Airhop Adventure & Trampoline Park.

SIR LIONEL PENNYFARTHING

Twirls his moustache as he stares at Atticus Gold who stands before them.

BILLY B. BLANKENSHIP

Adds more hairspray to his already stiff hair.

KRIMSON KLINE

Stands there, menacingly.

GROK 1.0

Raises the X’s eyebrow as Elon Musk stands proudly beside him, trying his hardest not to do ketamine and perform a “Roman salute” as was the style in 2025.

And CAPTAIN FUTURE!

Is here too. As he always has been seeing as he is from the future, which is when you’re watching this show.

ATTICUS: “Thank you all for coming to my birthday party.”

The 5 competitors look at one another with a look of quizzical concern. It’s at this point when they notice the table set-up with balloons and pizza. Also Peter Principle is sat there chowing down along with the current Anarchy GM, Bashmaster along with Liam Desmond and a sign saying “Reserved for Thaddeus Duke.” Who will never arrive as he is too busy crashing the x-bux market.

Atticus looks back at his comrades and smiles before he sees the empty seat and a single tear runs down his face.

ATTICUS: *sniff* “Erm… Anyway! Let’s have some fun today! I knew getting wrestlers here, I’d need some incentive so the winner shall receive this!”

Atticus pulls out a $50 Amazon Gift Card, the competitors eyes widen, looking at the lavish gift as if it were a golden ticket. Except Krimson Kline who raises a hand.

KLINE: “Erm, could I get $20 cash instead?”

ATTICUS: “I guess…”

Pennyfarthing guffaws.

LIONEL: “GUFFAW! In my experience, a $50 Amazon Gift Card is the average day rate of any actor worth their salt! And you turn your nose up at it, ser!?”

BILLY: “You guys got no fucking vision! You can take that gift card and buy a whole bunch of shit offa Temu and sell it all for TRIPLE!”

Elon Musk rubs his chin and pulls that stupid face he pulls.

ELON: “Triple? Grok, I just had a great idea and now you need to win this match for papa, it would be le epic.”

ATTICUS: “Oh, Elon are you wrestling?”

ELON: “Lol, Lmao even, what an iridescent question, you dork. No, I am not, but my newest creation GROK shall win your party with ease while I enjoy your pizza and you may listen to more of my ideas.”

Atticus hesitates as he looks over to the others who motion big nos with their arms and shakes of their heads.

ATTICUS: “S-sure! We have room!”

FUTURE: “ENOUGH TIME-WASTING IT’S TIME FOR TIME-FUTURING! HIIII-YAH!!!”

Captain Future performs a judo chop into Grok’s throat but stops just before he actually hits his throat, Elon cowers back but as he doesn’t have one of his children to use as a human shield he instead retreats to the pizza party table. Atticus chuckles at Future who spins around in a round house aimed at Pennyfarthing.

ATTICUS: “Oh, looks like we’re starting, you guys have fun and may the best man win. Everyone is welcome to join us with pizza afterwards!”

Pennyfarthing steps forward with Future’s antics.

LIONEL: “Wonderful! Opening with lavish fight co-ordination! Allow me to show you how it is done!”

Lionel begins to perform tai-chi before GROK crumples and grabs his throat as Captain Future’s hit comes from the future and future chops his present neck. Lionel snaps his head to Grok before-

LIONEL: “Egads!”

And is future kicked into the trampolines! Bouncing around like some kind of Super Monkey Ball.

GROK grabs his throat and coughs.

GROK: “a delayed‑reaction throat chop isn’t just an attack — it’s a statement. It says: - “I hit you so hard your nervous system needed buffering.”

Elon elbows Peter as he shoves pizza into his mouth.

ELON: “I programmed him myself.”

Peter smiles nervously as the match unfolds, Krimson throwing a knee into GROK before spinning him around and bowling over Blankenship.

PRINCIPLE: “Oh… Er… Really, that’s super interesting…”

Peter goes to grab a garlic knot but Elon takes it before he does and begins to chow down.

ELON: “Yeah, I’m pretty epic. I like you, Pete, you're a real middle-management type that I can get down with.”

BASHMASTER: “Watch out, Peter! I think Elon’s trying to fuck you!”

Peter nervously laughs as the other 3 laugh along heartily. Meanwhile Krimson performs a devastating powerbomb to Lionel onto a trampoline as GROK has Billy in a headlock fending off future attacks from Captain Future.

ELON: “Erm, gay?”

Elon laughs too hard as the others stare at him awkwardly. He pulls out a vial as he wipes a tear from the corner of his eye.

ELON: “You guys want to do some ketamine?”

Meanwhile, GROK lays the smackdown on Billy B. Blankenship.

As Krimson Kline lays out Pennyfarthing by powerslamming him into the ball pit.

Captain Future flies down from up high after a massive high jump but Kline catches him mid-air and clatters him with an elbow, forcing him onto one of the trampolines. Kline is joined by Grok and the two nod to each other before both leaping high into the air and landing on the trampoline as Future bounces on his back.

ATTICUS: “Woah guys! The owner said no double bouncing!”

The second he finishes the sentence, Kline and Grok land on the trampoline and send Captain Future sailing through the sky and he smashes through the ceiling and far, far, FAR into the night sky.

ATTICUS: “I am not getting my deposit back…”

BASHMASTER: “Lighten up, Atty! I’m sure Elon would cover it!”

Elon pulls a face and tilts his head.

ELON: “I-uh, think not lol. Unless you all work for me of course.”

LIAM: “Yeah, I don’t think Vinnie or Thaddeus Duke, our boss right now in 2025, would be too happy about that.”

PRINCIPAL: “Yeah… Unless you give us a huge raise.”

The GMs all laugh.

ELON: “Great, I’ll draw up a contract with Vinnie and we’ll get it sorted.”

The GMs stop laughing.

PRINCIPAL: “Wait… What?”

ELON: “I’ll be your boss. Except Bashmaster, I don’t like him. I shall replace him with a short man instead, and call him Big Dick lmao.”

As the GMs think about their future, an epic brawl unfolds before them.

Pennyfarthing and Blankenship hide as Kline and GROK fight tooth and nail to gain advantage.

Blood, sweat and coding flies everywhere as the two scrap around the Airhop Adventure.

Meanwhile, meanwhile…

Captain Future screams as he shoots through the stars until he hits solid earth and his head pops out of the soil like he was Bug Bunny looking up at some unseen figures.

???: “Say… Where did this guy come from.”

A look of absolute horror falls onto Captain Future’s face.

FUTURE: “Oh Space God no, what have we unleashed!?”

Back to the meanwhile…

The GMs huddle as Elon zones out on ketamine, looking as Grok does a 960 Phoenix Splash from the high trampoline and eradicating Billy B. Blankenship’s existence and Lionel Pennyfarthing runs away from Krimson Kline, acting like the final girl in a b-horror movie.

ATTICUS: “What the fuck, Pete!?”

PRINCIPAL: “I-uh… What?”

LIAM: “You gave Elon the idea of buying the XWF!”

PRINCIPAL: “Well- I… I didn’t exactly-”

BASHMASTER: “And got me fired, you wankstain!”

PRINCIPAL: “Oh- I- I didn’t- He just…”

ATTICUS: “This is the worst birthday ever, nice going, Peter!”

Peter continues stumbling over words but finally gives in and slumps in the cheap plastic chair.

As the fights continues…

A loud scream comes closer and closer…

Until Captain Future can be heard clearer…

FUTURE: “THEY FORCED ME TO SHOW THEM EARTH! I’M SORRY EVERYONE! I’M SORRY FOR YOUR ANNIHILATION!!!!”

As Future shoots through the Airhop and sticks into the ground face-first like a lawn dart he is followed by a flurry of millions, if not trillions of monsters.

A rainbow of monsters.

LIONEL: “CLOOOOOOOOOOWWWNNNSSS!!!!”

The Clowns fill the Airhop and immediately begin wreaking havoc and doing gags as a tidal wave of whoopie cushions and bits fill the area.

The clowns t-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttt

The video cuts out briefly.

A blue screen.

Until we finally return.

The Airhop destroyed, slightly on fire and cream pies literally everywhere.

Sir Lionel Pennyfarthing stands there, his clothes torn and saluting like a beaten war general as Atticus and the others stand in front of him, all equally beat up.

ATTICUS: “Sir Lionel Pennyfarthing… You did it, you beat back the Clown horde with your skill and knowledge of the stage. We… We cannot thank you enough…”

LIONEL: “I was doing my duty, sir, my duty as an ACTOOOOOOORRRR!!!!
ATTICUS: “Duty or not, you have our gratitude. I cannot award you a medal but I hope this will suffice.

Atticus hands over a $50 dollar Amazon gift card and Lionel gasps as he takes it like it was an academy award, tears streaming down his face.

LIONEL: “You like me, you really like me!”

PRINCIPAL: “You’re a hero, Lionel, don’t you forget it.”

Lionel smiles deeply.

As the others begin to applaud, not knowing if the threat would return one day.

But that was a problem for the future.

Right now.

They were alive.

And the XWF.

Nay.

The Earth, was saved.

…

???: “Excuse me, gentlemen?”

They all turn to the mysterious men that just entered the building.

???: “Could you take a look at this for me, please?”











Static...














As the tape ejects, Liam sist there with his mouth agape.

Southern Gentleman Detective Clown sighs, a dour look on his face.

“The truth is in your hands, Mr. Desmond."

He pauses.

“But h-what will you do with it?"