Edgecrusher stood on the sidewalk and stared up at Uncle Miller’s house. He hated this shit with a passion already. It was an old two-story house with faded gray paint and crooked shutters, with a porch that looked like it had been built sometime before electricity. A huge tree leaned over the roof, covering most of the front yard in shade. Trigger, the cocker spaniel sat beside Edgecrusher’s leg and stared at the house. Edgecrusher looked down at him.

“Yeah. I know.”

Behind them, Mrs. Ross slammed the trunk of the car.

“Edgecrusher Ross, stop standing there and help me with your bags!”

“I’m taking it all in.”

“You’ve been staring at the house for five minutes.”

“It’s a lot to take in.”

Mrs. Ross sighed and pulled a suitcase from the trunk. Edgecrusher folded his arms across his chest. His graying dreadlocks hung around his shoulders, and his ratty beard was already dripping with sweat. He still couldn’t believe this was happening. Two days ago, everything had been normal till he had walked past his parents’ bedroom and heard them talking.

His father had gotten a new job in Atlanta and they were moving. Not eventually moving, but moving as soon as humanly possible. Nobody had bothered telling Edgecrusher until the last minute, as usual. Now his parents were flying to Atlanta to look for a house, and Edgecrusher had been dumped at Uncle Miller’s place until they came back.

“You know,” Edgecrusher said, “usually when an entire family moves to another state, everybody in the family gets informed.”

“We were going to tell you.”

“When?”

Mrs. Ross carried his suitcase toward the porch.

“When we knew everything for sure.”

“You bought plane tickets.”

“That doesn’t mean everything was settled.”

“You packed my shit.”

“I packed enough clothes for a week.”

“You packed my shit for a week.”

Mrs. Ross stopped at the bottom of the porch steps and turned around.

“It’s only temporary.”

“Is this that farm all my other dogs went to? Ya know the one that's upstate?”

Trigger looked up with an audible whimper. Mrs. Powell rubbed her forehead and groaned.

“Your father starts his new job soon and we need to find a house before we move. Uncle Miller was the only place available on such a short notice.” Edgecrusher stared at the house again and kicked some rocks into the grass. The old man was ancient, at least sixty years old. Maybe even a hundred and thirty years old.  Nobody seemed to know or care enough to ask. Edgecrusher picked up Trigger’s leash and reluctantly followed his mother toward the porch.

“You’ll be fine,” she said.

“You don't know that.”

“It’s just one single tiny week.”

“That’s plenty of time to die.”

“You’re not going to die.”

“You don't know that.”

Mrs. Powell knocked on the front door. After a minute she knocked again and still nothing. Edgecrusher looked to his mother.

“He’s dead.”

“He is not dead. I called him this morning.”

“Probably tripped and wrapped himself in the phone cord and choked to death.”

Mrs. Powell reached for the doorbell. Before she could press it, the front door suddenly swung open. Uncle Miller stood on the other side. He was a thin old man with wild white hair sticking out in every direction. He wore an old sweater despite the heat and stared at them through thick rimmed coke bottle glasses.

"Hi Uncle Mr. Miller!"

"Who the hell are you!"

Edgecrusher leaned toward his mother.

“See, told ya I'm going to die.”

“I can hear you,” Uncle Mr. Miller snapped.

“Oh.”

Mrs. Ross smiled.

“Hi, Uncle Miller. It's us. Your family.”

“I know who you are. Why the hell are you here?”

Mrs. Ross gave Edgecrusher a reassuring nod.

"We talked earlier. This is your nephew, Edgecrusher. He's coming to liv... stay with you for the week."

"Whatever. It's time for my medicine," Uncle Mr. Miller said and turned to walk back into the house. Edgecrusher looked down at Trigger.

“This is gonna be a long fucking week.”


****


The inside was somehow worse than the outside. The place smelled like mold and mildew, and something even worse Edgecrusher couldn't identify. Every window was covered with heavy floral-patterned curtains that blocked out most of the afternoon sun. What little light made it through revealed the thick fog of dust floating through the air. There wasn't a single thing in the room that appeared to have been made after 1920.

An enormous wooden clock ticked against one wall. Oil lamps sat on tables beneath shelves packed with old books. Bundles of dried plants hung from the ceiling. Glass bottles filled with strange liquids lined a cabinet. A collection of tiny animal bones sat beside a brass candleholder. Edgecrusher stopped and scratched his forehead.

“Are you a Mitch?”

"What?"

"A man witch."

Uncle Mr. Miller kept walking through the house. Edgecrusher and his mother followed. They passed through a dining room containing a long wooden table covered in scratches. More candles and dusty books. A strange collection of jars occupied another shelf. They continued down a narrow hallway.

“So where's the TV?”

“Don't have one.”

Edgecrusher stopped.

“You don't have a TV?”

“No.”

“Computer?”

“No.”

“Internet?”

Uncle Mr. Miller kept walking. Edgecrusher stared at the back of his slowly mummifying head.

“Oh, fuck me. I'm spending a week in 1893.”

Suddenly something black shot from beneath a small table.

“JESUS CHRIST!”

Edgecrusher jumped backward, nearly knocking his mother into the wall. A black cat landed in the middle of the hallway and stared up with bright yellow eyes. Edgecrusher held a hand against his chest and breathed deeply.

“It attacked me!”

It sat calmly in the hallway, staring at him. Uncle Mr. Miller looked down at it.

“That's Sarabeth. Sarabeth is an evil asshole. Avoid Sarabeth.”

Mrs. Ross laughed.

“Oh, stop.”

Uncle Mr. Miller didn't laugh.

“I warned ya.”

Sarabeth continued staring directly at Edgecrusher. Edgecrusher stared back, his expression saying, Fuck you. Sarabeth arched her back and hissed at Edgecrusher.

“See?”

Uncle Mr. Miller turned and continued down the hallway. Edgecrusher hurried after him.

“So where am I sleeping?”

Uncle Mr. Miller didn't answer and continued walking.

“And where does Trigger sleep?”

“Outside.”

Edgecrusher stopped again.

“What?”

“The dog stays outside.”

“He's an inside dog.”

“Not in my house.”

Uncle Mr. Miller reached the end of the hallway.

“So is the upstairs next?”

Uncle Mr. Miller stopped.

“What?”

“The tour.”

“What tour?”

“The house tour.”

Uncle Mr. Miller stared at him.

“This isn't a tour.”

Edgecrusher looked back down the hallway they had just come down.

“Then why have we been following you?”

“I don't know.”

Uncle Mr. Miller grabbed the handle of a nearby door.

“I have to use the bathroom.”

Uncle Mr. Miller stepped inside and closed the door behind himself. Edgecrusher looked at his mother, confused. From behind the door came the sound of Uncle Mr. Miller unbuckling his belt.

“Okay. Tour's over.”

They had barely made it halfway down the hall when a violent noise erupted from behind the bathroom door. Edgecrusher froze, his face twisted in horror.

“Oh my God. What is wrong with him?”

Another explosion echoed down the hallway.

“Should we call somebody?”

He pulled the collar of his shirt over his nose as Mrs. Ross grabbed her purse.

“Well, I should probably get going. My flight leaves in a few hours.”

Mrs. Ross slipped an arm around him and pulled him into a quick side hug. Edgecrusher stood stiffly with his shirt still covering his nose.

“We'll call as soon as we get to Atlanta. Behave yourself. Listen to Uncle Miller. And stay out of trouble.”

Edgecrusher looked toward the hallway and frowned, accepting his fate.

“I love ya, Mom.”

“Back at ya,” Mrs. Ross mumbled as she rushed out the door.

Edgecrusher stood in the middle of the dusty living room with nobody but his trusty dog Trigger by his side. Sarabeth appeared in the hallway and stared daggers through the both of them as more explosions rang out from the bathroom. Edgecrusher looked down at Trigger.

"Let's go get some fresh air."






The second they stepped outside, Trigger took off.

“Trigger!”

The leash ripped from Edgecrusher’s hand. Trigger sprinted across the yard, barking wildly as a squirrel raced along the grass.

“Get back here ya fucking dumbass!”

The squirrel darted around the side of the house. Trigger followed with Edgecrusher closely behind.

“He's not worth it! Think of the children!”

By the time Edgecrusher rounded the house, Trigger was already halfway across the neighbor’s yard. The squirrel raced up a tree and disappeared into the branches. Trigger planted his front paws against the trunk and barked furiously.

“Yeah...huff... you.... huff... showed him.”

Edgecrusher bent over, trying to catch his breath.

“Is that yours?”

Edgecrusher looked up. A girl stood near the back porch of the neighboring house. She was around twelve years old with blonde hair and blue eyes.

“I don't know who that squirrel belongs to, but I'd like to have a word with them.”

He walked over and grabbed Trigger’s leash.

“I’m Andrea. Everybody calls me Andy.”

“Edgecrusher.”

Edgecrusher nodded.

“Everybody calls me Edgecrusher.”

Andy stared at him.

“Okay.”

Edgecrusher pointed toward Uncle Mr. Miller’s house.

“I’m staying over there for a week with Uncle Mr. Miller.”

Andy frowned.

“Wait, what?”

“Uncle Mr. Miller.”

Andy decided not to pursue it.

“You picked a weird place to spend a week.”

“Wasn’t my idea. My parents are going to Atlanta.”

“Vacation?”

“Moving there.”

“Oh. OHHHH. The old dump ya on a relative with one foot in the grave while they jet set around the world. That sucks.”

“WHAT!?!?! NO!!! They just had to leave me here so they can fly out and look for places to move. I had to stay here. They'll be back to get me in a week.”

“Why couldn't you go with them?”

“Well... I... That is a good question."

Edgecrusher frowned.

"Why didn't you mention that before I got here?”

Andy looked toward the street.

“Anyway, I’m heading into town to find a birthday present for my cousin.”

“Who?”

“My cousin Vinney.”

Edgecrusher’s eyes widened.

“Holy shit.”

“What?”

“You’re related to him?”

Andy looked confused.

“He’s my cousin.”

“I know. You just said that.”

“Then why are you acting weird?”

Edgecrusher stepped closer.

“Joe Pesci.”

Andy stared at him for several seconds.

“My cousin is eleven.”

Edgecrusher nodded confidently.

“Hollywood.”

“What?”

“They can do anything now.”

Andy started walking.

“I’m going to town now. I'll see ya around.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“I didn’t invite you.”

Edgecrusher followed anyway, pulling Trigger along behind him.

“You think Vinney would sign something?”

“No.”

Andy walked faster.


******


The toy store sat near the end of Main Street between a boarded-up pharmacy and Big Al's discount meats and industrial cleaning supplies emporium. The faded sign above the entrance read KIDS TOYS, although several of the letters had nearly disappeared. Dust covered the front windows so thickly that Edgecrusher could barely see through. He looked at Andy, concern spreading across his face.

“It looks condemned.”

“It’s not.”

Andy opened the door and a bell jingled somewhere inside. The place looked less like a store and more like a warehouse where toys went to die. Shelves stretched almost to the ceiling, packed with dusty boxes, dolls, games, stuffed animals and toys whose time period Edgecrusher couldn’t even identify. Some of them even looked older than Uncle Mr. Miller and time itself. Behind the counter sat an old man reading a newspaper. He lowered it just enough to look at them.

“Don't steal my shit.”

Edgecrusher looked around.

“Lovely fellow.”

The newspaper rose again. Andy wandered toward a shelf of action figures. Edgecrusher picked up a dusty robot and spun it around in his hands almost dropping it. The newspaper lowered a bit again.

"You break it, you bought it."

The paper went back up.

“Vinney like robots?”

“No.”

He picked up a neon green plastic dinosaur.

“Dinosaurs?”

“No.”

"Needs a hot pink racing stripe anyway."

A wooden paddle with a rubber ball attached to it.

“Weird sexual fetish toys?”

“God no.”

Edgecrusher dropped it back onto the shelf.

“He sounds impossible to shop for.”

“Well you don't actually know him and I didn't ask you to help.”

“And I’m already out of ideas.”

Andy ignored him and continued looking. Edgecrusher wandered deeper into the store. The shelves became taller and the aisles narrower until he could barely see Andy anymore. Then he noticed something behind a stack of old board games, a hidden doorway! Andy appeared at the end of the aisle.

“What are you doing?”

Edgecrusher pushed the games aside. The narrow wooden door had no sign on it saying to not enter, so Edgecrusher entered. The back room was ginormous. Shelves covered every wall from floor to ceiling, packed with even more toys. Dust coated everything. Old bicycles hung from hooks overhead. Wooden rocking horses stared out from the darkness. Dolls sat shoulder to shoulder along one shelf.

“Just whatever you do, don't get him a ventriloquist dummy. Trust me on this.”

He continued farther into the room. Andy sighed and followed. Most of the boxes had faded beyond recognition. Some looked like they hadn’t been touched in decades. Then Edgecrusher spotted something black that sat along near the back shelf. He gripped it tightly with both hands and pulled it free.

"WOW!"

The package was unlike anything Edgecrusher had ever seen. It was long, thick, and strangely organic-looking, with a glossy black surface. Vein-like ridges ran along its length, twisting through skeletal patterns. The top curved upward into a smooth, mushroom-shaped tip. At the base, two large orbs sat side by side. Andy stared at it, her cheeks turning red.

“Why does it look like... like... that?”

“Like what?”

She looked at Edgecrusher.

“Never mind.”

Edgecrusher wiped dust from the label opposite the two large orbs. Large green letters appeared underneath.

MONSTER JIZZ

“What is Monster Jizz?” asked Edgecrusher.

“I'm just gonna say I don't know.”

Edgecrusher turned the container over and shook it. Something thick sloshed inside.

“I’m buying it.”

“You don’t even know what it is. And trust me, you don't want to know.”

“That’s what makes it exciting.”

He held up the container. It was so thick it took both hands to grip it firmly.

“This makes me very excited.”

Andy fought back the urge to vomit. Edgecrusher carried the container to the front counter. The old man lowered his newspaper. His eyes immediately went to the black container.

“Where the hell did you find that?”

“Secret room.”

“That room isn’t for you two.”

“Then you should probably put a sign on it.”

The shopkeeper took the container from him. Edgecrusher leaned against the counter.

“How much?”

“It’s not for sale.”

“Why?”

The shopkeeper stared at the container.

“It’s old.”

“So?”

“Very old.”

“So is Uncle Mr. Miller.”

The shopkeeper shook the container gently. The thick substance inside sloshed.

“I don’t even know if this stuff is good anymore.”

Edgecrusher shrugged. The shopkeeper stared at Edgecrusher for a long moment. Finally, he sighed.

“Five dollars.”

Edgecrusher immediately pulled out his wallet and handed him the money and took the container.

“Pleasure doing business with you.”

The old man watched them leave.

"I wouldn't be talking about pleasure while I'm carrying that... thing... around, kid."

Outside, Andy finally found a present for Vinney at another store. Edgecrusher was disappointed to learn that it was a regular eleven-year-old’s birthday present and not something intended for an Academy Award-winning actor. They headed back toward Uncle Mr. Miller’s house.






By the time Edgecrusher and Andy reached Uncle Mr. Miller’s house, the sun was beginning to sink behind the trees. Edgecrusher hurried up the front steps with the strange package under one arm. Andy followed close behind.

“Okay,” Andy said. “We’re here. Pay up.”

Edgecrusher pushed open the front door.

“I gotta get my money from my room.”

Andy stopped in the doorway.

“Of course.”

Edgecrusher smiled.

“Come on.”

Before Andy could answer, Uncle Mr. Miller appeared from the kitchen.

“What the hell are you still doing here?” he snapped.

“Just got back from town. Me and my good buddy Andy went to get our cousin a birthday gift.”

Andy sighed.

“He followed me to town and didn’t know his way back, so he paid me to help him back. I’m just here to collect my five bucks, then you’ll never see me again.”

Mr. Miller’s eyes dropped to Edgecrusher’s package. The one in his arms, you sick freak. His face went pale and he rushed toward him.

“Let me see that.”

Edgecrusher handed him the container. Mr. Miller turned it over in his hands. His forehead wrinkled and nostrils flared. He stared at the strange black container and the twisting, vein-like ridges covering its surface. Then he began to mumble under his breath.

“Klaatu... barada... nikto...”

Edgecrusher leaned toward Andy.

“Old-timers’ disease.”

Andy took a step back. Mr. Miller continued muttering.

“Nosferatos... Amantos... Kanda...”

Edgecrusher waited patiently. Nothing about the situation seemed off to him. Mr. Miller suddenly stopped and handed the package back.

“Be careful with this.”

Edgecrusher looked at the container.

“Is it dangerous?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You kinda made the face.”

“What face?”

“The dangerous face.”

“I don’t have a dangerous face.”

“You definitely have a dangerous face,” Andy said.

Mr. Miller frowned at her then pointed at Edgecrusher.

“Don’t make a mess.”

Edgecrusher hurried upstairs reluctantly followed by Andy. They entered the room and Andy held her hand out.

“Money.”

“Yeah, yeah. One second.”

Edgecrusher sat on the edge of the bed and examined the strange container.

“You’re doing this on purpose.”

“Doing what?”

“Not paying me.”

“I’m gonna pay you.”

“When?”

“Soon.”

“How soon?”

She dropped her hand when she realized Edgecrusher had ignored her completely and was focused on the container. He turned it over in his hands, studying it. Then he began fondling the two orbs at its base, almost caressing them. Gently, he gripped the mushroom-shaped tip and began twisting—first to the left, then to the right, then back and forth in one fluid motion. Andy watched with disgust spreading across her face.

“Hold on... I can feel it... almost there...”

“Please stop. I’ll let you keep the money if you just... just stop.”

The tempo of his hands began to pick up. Faster and faster. Sweat formed on his brow.

“Almost...”

The container suddenly popped open. White goo spurted from the mushroom tip and splashed across Edgecrusher’s face. It slowly dripped down his chin before coming to rest in his lap. Edgecrusher held the container up like a trophy. The white substance seemed to give off a faint green glow, barely visible to the naked eye.

“Ohhhh,” Edgecrusher whispered.

“That was disgusting.”

Andy moved beside him.

“What the hell?”

Edgecrusher rolled the white glob around in his palm.

“It’s warm.”

A thick lump of white slime stretched between his fingers and the container. It clung to his hand in long, gooey strands, stretching nearly two feet before finally snapping free.

“Body temperature warm, odd.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t touch it.”

Andy stared at the glowing slime. Despite herself, she moved closer.

“Let me feel it.”

Edgecrusher held it out and Andy poked it with one finger. She quickly pulled her hand back.

“Whoa.”

“Told you.”

Edgecrusher rolled it between his palms and formed a jizz ball. He threw it directly at the floor.

BOING!

The Monster Jizz shot back up. Edgecrusher ducked and it sailed over his head and smacked against the wall.

BOING!

It bounced off the wall, hit the dresser and shot across the room. Andy screamed and dove out of the way. The Jizz ball hit the door.

BOING!

It came straight back at Edgecrusher and he caught it against his chest.

“It fucking bounces!”

Andy started laughing.

“No shit, Sherlock!”

Edgecrusher threw it again. This time with way more muscle. The Monster Jizz bounced wildly around the room knocking over various lamps and knick-knacks from 1402. Andy caught it and bounced it back. The glowing ball ricocheted around the room.

BOING!

BOING!

BOING!

Andy ducked and Edgecrusher dove across the bed and caught it before it could hit the window.

“Nice!”

Andy laughed.

“Give me some.”

Edgecrusher tossed her another wad of jizz. Andy rolled her piece into another ball and launched it. Soon two balls of Monster Jizz were bouncing around the bedroom. For several minutes, Andy seemed to completely forget about that money or that she was supposed to be leaving. Which was exactly what Edgecrusher had hoped for since he actually had no money.

Then Trigger wandered into the room. The dog stopped. His ears perked up. His eyes followed one of the glowing balls.

“Better watch the dog,” Andy warned.

Edgecrusher bounced the Monster Jizz again and Trigger lunged.

“NO!”

His jaws snapped shut around it and both 'kids' froze. Trigger chewed, the slime bulged between his teeth.

“Trigger!” Edgecrusher shouted. “Drop my Jizz!”

Trigger swallowed.

“Well, that's probably not a good thing.”

Trigger licked his lips and let out a burp. Edgecrusher crouched in front of him.

“Trigger?”

The dog wagged his tail.

“You okay, buddy?”

Trigger stared happily back at him. Andy stepped closer.

“He just devoured it.”

“Only a little bit.”

Trigger sneezed jizz bubbles and wagged his tail again. A few seconds passed and nothing happened.

"Well he's not glowing at least."

Trigger spotted another ball of jizz on the floor and lunged for it. Edgecrusher snatched it away.

"That's enough Jizz for the day, buddy."

Trigger stared up at him. His tail thumped against the floor. Andy watched him carefully.

“He seems okay.”

Edgecrusher nodded.

“Yeah.”

He squeezed the Monster Jizz between his fingers. Trigger continued staring at it, so Edgecrusher held it higher.

“Fucking Christ, Trigger. You’re a jizz goblin. You swallow any more jizz and we’re gonna have to have your stomach pumped.”

Hearing that particular combination of words suddenly reminded Andy why she was there. She held out her hand.

“Money.”

Edgecrusher looked at her.

“Money?”

“Money.”

“Unfortunately...”

Andy rolled her eyes and sighed.

“You don’t have it, do you?”

“Trigger ate it. But don’t worry. Come by tomorrow and I’ll grab some from the bank.”

Andy closed her eyes and took a long breath. She had wasted her entire afternoon for nothing, and she wasn’t happy about it. Without another word, she turned and walked away.

“Tomorrow!” Edgecrusher shouted after her. “Unless Trigger eats that money too!”






The next day Edgecrusher stepped out of Uncle Mr. Miller’s house. Trigger was asleep beside the porch.

“Come on, Trigger.”

Trigger didn’t move.

Edgecrusher nudged him with his foot.

“Trigger.”

He nudged him harder.

“Get the fuck up ya little shit.”

Trigger opened one eye, stared at Edgecrusher for a second, then closed it again.

“We’re leaving.”

Trigger remained completely still. Edgecrusher waited with his hands on his hips.

“Fine. Don’t be mad at me when I’m hanging out with all the hot bitches.”

He stared down at Trigger, waiting for the dog to understand the gravity of what he’d just said. Trigger didn’t move.

“Fucking lazy.”

Edgecrusher had only made it a few blocks when two boys stepped onto the sidewalk in front of him. They looked exactly alike. Same dark hair. Same narrow faces with mean-looking scowls. Both were big for their age, with broad shoulders, faded jeans, and heavy black boots. Edgecrusher noticed their shirts. One twin wore a bright yellow Wiggles T-shirt with all four Wiggles smiling across the front. The other wore a purple one with Captain Feathersword waving a sword over his head. They stood with their arms crossed, trying their hardest to look intimidating. One stood directly in front of Edgecrusher.

“Who are you?”

“Edgecrusher.”

The boy looked at his twin.

“You know him?”

“Nope.”

They both looked back at Edgecrusher.

“He don’t know ya. I don’t know ya. Ya don’t belong in this here neighborhood.”

Edgecrusher pointed behind himself.

“I’m staying with Uncle Mr. Miller.”

“That there doesn’t count, ya hear?”

Edgecrusher frowned.

“And why not?”

“Because you ain’t no resident.”

The second twin stepped closer.

“And if you ain’t no resident, ya gotta file all the correct paperwork.”

Edgecrusher stared at him.

“What paperwork?”

The twin in the yellow Wiggles shirt reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

“This here is your Temporary Neighborhood Pedestrian Access Application.”

He unfolded it and handed it to Edgecrusher. It was covered in boxes, lines, and tiny writing.

“What the fuck?”

“You fill that out. Full name, home address, reason for visit, expected length of stay, streets you plan on using.”

His brother nodded.

“Then we review it.”

“How long does that take?”

“Four to six weeks.”

The twin snatched the form back. He folded it and shoved it back into his pocket.

“Now, since you ain’t got an approved application, you gotta pay the temporary street toll.”

“What the fuck is a street toll?”

“Five dollars.”

“For what?”

“Walking on the street.”

The twins exchanged another glance.

“Seven dollars.”

“Why did it go up?”

“Sidewalk processing fee.”

Edgecrusher stared at them.

“Are you the fucking mayor?”

“No.”

“Cops?”

“No.”

“Do you work for the city?”

“No.”

The twins glanced at each other and smiled. One of them punched Edgecrusher in the stomach.

“OooOF!”

Edgecrusher doubled over. The second boy shoved him backward. He stumbled off the sidewalk and crashed onto somebody’s lawn. A foot slammed into his side.

“OW! Fuck!”

He rolled onto his back and both twins stood over him.

“You gonna pay the toll now?”

“I don’t have any fucking money!”

“Then we keep beating you up.”

Edgecrusher stared at him.

“That doesn’t get you any money!”

The twin punched him.

“This is a terrible business model!”

A bicycle bell rang behind them.

“HEY!”

Everyone turned. Andy raced toward them on her bike. She slammed on the brakes and jumped off.

“What are you two doing?”

The twins immediately released Edgecrusher.

“He owes us money.”

Andy looked down at Edgecrusher sprawled across the grass.

“Well, he owed me money first, so you’re just going to have to wait.”

“I'm fine,” Edgecrusher said.

Andy stared at him then turned back to the twins.

“He's not paying either of us if you beat him to death.”

Edgecrusher returned to his feet.

"I'll be okay, don't worry about me Andy."

One of the twins suddenly grabbed her handlebars.

“Hey!”

The other grabbed the back of the bike. Andy tightened her grip and tugged.

“Let go!”

They yanked it away from her. One twin jumped onto the seat, the other climbed onto the back.

“We’re transferring his outstanding balance to your account and seizing this as collateral pending full payment of all applicable fees, penalties, and administrative charges!”

“GIVE IT BACK!”

They raced down the street and disappeared around the corner.

“Assholes!”

“You know those fuckers?”

Andy turned around.

“Rick and Tony Beymer.”

“Which one was Rick?”

Andy stared at him.

“They’re identical twins.”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“They’re the neighborhood bullies. They’re always stealing things and messing with people.”

Edgecrusher rubbed his jaw.

“They said I had to pay a toll.”

“They do that to anyone they don’t recognize.”

“So there isn’t a toll?”

“No. Obviously not.”

“Motherfuckers.”

Andy started down the sidewalk.

“Where are you going?”

“To find my bike. They’ll dump it somewhere. They always do.”

Edgecrusher looked toward the corner.

“You want help?”

Andy shook her head.

“I want my money.”

Edgecrusher glanced back toward Uncle Mr. Miller’s house.

“I'll get right on that. See ya later buddy.”

“I'm not your buddy.”

Andy hurried away.

By the time he reached the house, everything hurt. His stomach hurt. His ribs hurt. His jaw hurt. He pushed open the front door.

“Trigger?”

He stepped inside.

“Trigger!”

A strange noise came from the kitchen. Scraping then a heavy thump. Edgecrusher stopped.

“Trigger?”

Another thump then a horrible choking sound. Edgecrusher rushed into the kitchen and found Trigger lying on the floor. His paws scraped wildly against the linoleum. His body twisted back and forth as he struggled to breathe.

“Great, did you catch old-timers’ disease?”

Edgecrusher fell to his knees beside him. Trigger gagged and Edgecrusher grabbed him around the neck. Then he saw the collar buried deep beneath Trigger’s fur. Edgecrusher shoved his fingers underneath it. There was barely enough room for more than a few fingers.

“What the fuck happened to your collar?”

He pulled at it and Trigger gagged again.

“Hold still!”

Trigger kicked against the floor.

“Stop fucking moving! I’m helping!”

Edgecrusher fought with the buckle. His fingers slipped and he tried again. The buckle finally popped loose and the collar fell away. Trigger sucked in a huge breath. Edgecrusher dropped backward onto the floor and looked down at Trigger who lay panting next to him. Edgecrusher picked up the collar and turned it over in his hands.

“Cheap fucking collar shrunk.”

Trigger slowly climbed to his feet. Edgecrusher looked up and froze. The dog seemed bigger. Edgecrusher pushed himself onto his knees. Trigger’s legs looked longer, and his chest looked wider. His entire body just seemed much bigger. Edgecrusher held the collar up beside him.

“Wait just a minute...”

Trigger wagged his tail.

“...you’re a fat-ass, fat-ass!”

Trigger panted happily. Edgecrusher stood and looked at the collar again.

“No more Bacon-grease-soaked Pop-Tarts for you!”

Trigger tucked his tail between his legs and whimpered in disappointment. Something wet touched Edgecrusher’s foot and he looked down. A thick glob of Monster Jizz had spread across the kitchen floor.

“What the fuck?”

He followed the trail straight to the Monster Jizz container he had left on the kitchen counter. The sides had swollen outward, the strange vein-like ridges stretched across its surface. Monster Jizz squeezed from beneath the lid and slowly spilled over the sides. There was more of it than before. A whole fuck-load more of it than before.






The next morning, Edgecrusher sat in a small examination room at Dr. Forester’s veterinary clinic. Trigger stood on top of a stainless-steel table.  Or at least most of Trigger did. His back paws were dangerously close to one end while his front paws nearly reached the other. Dr. Forester ran both hands along Trigger’s sides.

“Hmm.”

Edgecrusher watched carefully.

Dr. Forester checked Trigger’s ears.

“Hmmmm.”

He opened Trigger’s mouth and examined his teeth.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

He pressed against Trigger’s stomach.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

Edgecrusher leaned forward.

“Is he dying?”

Dr. Forester looked up.

“No.”

“Then why do you keep going hmmm?”

“I’m examining him.”

“Well, knock that shit off. You’re making it sound bad.”

Dr. Forester sighed and returned to Trigger. He listened to the dog’s heart, checked his eyes, then ran his hands down each of his legs. Finally, he stepped back.

“Everything looks normal.”

Edgecrusher looked at Trigger.

“He’s fucking huge.”

“Yes. That’s the part that isn’t normal.”

Dr. Forester picked up a clipboard.

“Trigger appears perfectly healthy. His heart sounds good. His lungs are clear. His weight is proportional to his size. I’m not finding anything physically wrong with him.”

“So he’s just fat?”

“No.”

Edgecrusher frowned.

“I already cut off his Pop-Tarts.”

“I don’t think Pop-Tarts are responsible.”

“They were soaked in bacon grease.”

Dr. Forester slowly lowered the clipboard.

“You were feeding your dog bacon-grease-soaked Pop-Tarts?”

Dr. Forester looked back at Trigger.

“The problem is his size. Trigger is now longer than dogs of his breed normally grow.”

Trigger wagged his tail.

“So he broke the record?”

“It’s not a record.”

“So he set a record!”

The doctor sighed.

“He shouldn’t be this large.”

Edgecrusher scratched his beard.

“Maybe he’s really good at being a dog.”

Dr. Forester ignored him.

“I took a blood sample. I also want to check his hormone levels. We should have the results back in about three days.”

“And then?”

“Then hopefully we’ll know why he’s growing.”

Edgecrusher looked at Trigger.

“You hear that? Three days and we find out why you’re a fat-ass, fat-ass.”

Dr. Forester shook his head.

“He isn’t fat.”

“Gotcha. Positive reinforcement.”


---


By the time Edgecrusher got back from the vet, the Monster Jizz had gotten even bigger. Earlier, he had been forced to move it out of its original black container and into a five-gallon bucket. Now even that was barely enough to hold the ever-growing jizz wad. Edgecrusher carried the bucket through Uncle Mr. Miller’s garage with both arms wrapped around it. Thick white slime bulged over the rim and slowly spilled down the sides. Trigger followed behind, lapping it up eagerly. The bucket shifted in his arms, and a thick glob spilled over the rim and splattered onto the concrete.

“I'm getting my Jizz everywhere.”

Uncle Mr. Miller’s garage was filled with decades’ worth of junk. Rusty tools hung from nails in the walls. Cardboard boxes were stacked nearly to the ceiling. An old lawn mower sat buried beneath a pile of Christmas decorations. Edgecrusher searched for somewhere to put the Monster Jizz then noticed the bathtub. A full-sized porcelain bathtub sat against the back wall of the garage. Edgecrusher stared at it. He had no idea why Uncle Mr. Miller had a bathtub just sitting in his garage.

“Perfect.”

Edgecrusher carried the container over and set it on the edge of the tub. The plastic groaned beneath the weight. He grabbed the bottom and tipped it and shook it. The Monster Jizz broke loose with a gross splat a huge glob dropped into the bathtub. The rest of the Jizz slowly dripped down behind it in various-sized pearly gobs. Edgecrusher tossed the empty container onto the floor. The bathtub was nearly half full like it had grown as he was pouring it. He wiped his hands on his pants and stepped back.

“Problem solved.”

Edgecrusher turned to leave but stopped when he heard something. He looked over his shoulder at the tub. The surface of the Jizz slowly rose then fell. Edgecrusher turned around to face the tub as it rose and fell again. He walked closer and leaned over the bathtub.

"What in the name of flubber is going on here?"

Edgecrusher leaned farther over the tub.

“Looks like it’s breathing like an eighty-year-old chain-smoker.”

He reached out one finger.

“Are you alive?”

Before he could touch it, something slammed into his back.

“AAAAAH!”

Sarabeth landed between his shoulders and he stumbled forward. For a split second, Edgecrusher balanced across the edge of the tub then Sarabeth jumped off. He tipped face-first toward the jizz.

“Oh, fuck me.”

SPLAT!

He plunged headfirst into the Monster Jizz. The thick slime swallowed his head and shoulders, his legs kicked wildly in the air.  Edgecrusher planted both hands against the bottom of the bathtub and tried to push himself up. The Monster Jizz clung to him and Edgecrusher pushed harder. His shoulders began to rise but the jizz stretched with him.

Sarabeth sat several feet away, watching. Edgecrusher twisted his body and managed to rip one arm free. He reached blindly over the side of the tub. His fingers grabbed the edge and pulled, but the Monster Jizz pulled back. Long strands of Monster Jizz stretched from his face back into the tub.

“Get the fuck...”

He pulled harder.

“...off me!”

The strand stretched tighter then snapped. The sudden release sent Edgecrusher flying backward out of the bathtub. His arms flailed as he sailed through the air and crashed onto the concrete floor. He landed hard on his back. For a moment, Edgecrusher just lay there staring at the ceiling, his chest heaving. He was covered from head to toe in white slime. Thick strings hung from his beard, and a glob slowly slid down his forehead. Sarabeth walked over and stared down at him. Edgecrusher pointed at her.

“You fucking did that on purpose.”

Sarabeth calmly licked her paw and rubbed it over her head.

“Evil asshole.”

Suddenly, the garage door began to open. Someone was coming in.






The garage door slowly opened. Edgecrusher remained flat on his back.

“Edgecrusher?”

He recognized the voice.

“Hey, buddy.”

“I’m not your buddy.”

Andy stepped into the garage.

“I came for my...”

She stopped.

Edgecrusher lay sprawled across the concrete floor. His clothes were soaked. Thick white slime covered him from head to toe. Long strings hung from his beard and dreadlocks. A glob slowly slid down his forehead, reached the end of his nose and dropped onto his chest. Andy stared at him and reached her hand out.

“I don't even want to know. Just tell me where my money is.”

Edgecrusher sat up and wiped the slime from his face.

“My Jizz tried to kill me.”

Edgecrusher pointed toward the bathtub.

“It’s alive.”

Edgecrusher pushed himself onto his knees.

“It keeps growing. When I woke up this morning, it didn’t fit in the package anymore, so I put it in a five-gallon bucket.”

Andy looked at the empty bucket lying on its side.

“Don't care. Money?”

Edgecrusher climbed to his feet and immediately slipped but caught himself against a workbench.

“Sarabeth tried to murder me.”

Sarabeth sat nearby with a leg in the air licking her asshole.

“MONEY?”

“She jumped on my back and knocked me into the tub.”

Andy folded her arms.

“So take it back.”

Edgecrusher looked at her, confused.

“What?”

“Take. It. Back.”

“Where?”

“The toy store.”

Andy held out her hand again.

“You paid five dollars for it.”

“Yeah.”

“Take it back, get your five dollars, and give the five dollars to me.”

Edgecrusher stared at her with eyes wide.

“That solves both problems.”

Andy closed her eyes.

“That’s why I suggested it.”

Edgecrusher nodded.

“You’re pretty smart, buddy.”

“I’m not your buddy.”

A bubble formed in the center of the jizz and slowly expanded.

POP!

Both of them jumped in fright. The center of the Monster Jizz began to swell. A white mound slowly pushed upward from the bathtub. It reached higher and higher till it was almost touching the ceiling.

“Edgecrusher.”

“I see it.”

Monster Jizz poured over the sides of the tub in thick streams and splattered onto the concrete floor. Edgecrusher backed away with Andy.

“Think it heard us talking about returning it?”

CRACK!

A thin fracture appeared along the side of the bathtub. Andy stared at it in horror.

“Run.”

Another crack shot through the porcelain. Edgecrusher turned just as the bathtub exploded. The white mass crashed onto the concrete behind them. It swallowed the bathtub, buried the five-gallon bucket and rolled across the floor. All of Uncle Mr. Miller’s old junk quickly disappeared beneath it. Edgecrusher and Andy raced toward the open garage door with the jizz directly behind.

“MOVE!”

“I AM!”

“MOVE FASTER!”

“You’re in front of me!”

Andy shoved him.

“THEN YOU MOVE FASTER!”

“I’M FAT!”

They burst through the garage door and stumbled into the driveway. The entire blob rolled forward and through the door. They sprinted across the driveway. The Jizz slapped across the pavement behind them. Edgecrusher looked over his shoulder and the blob was gaining.

“Fucking thing is fast!”

They raced into the front yard. Andy pulled ahead and Edgecrusher pumped his arms harder like that would actually help. They reached the sidewalk. Two figures stepped around the corner, Rick and Tony Beymer. One smiled when he recognized Edgecrusher.

“Well, look who it is.”

Edgecrusher kept running.

“MOVE IT OR LOSE IT!”

The second twin stepped into his path.

“Not so fast.”

“I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO GO VERY FAST!”

Edgecrusher swerved around him but the twin grabbed his shirt.

“You still owe us that street toll.”

Andy stopped several feet away.

“LET HIM GO!”

The other twin smiled.

“Looks like somebody has some unpaid neighborhood fees.”

Edgecrusher pointed frantically behind them.

“WE CAN DO THIS LATER!”

“There’s late fees now.” The twins exchanged a glance. “Ten dollars.”

Andy pointed wildly.

"Behind you, you idiots."

They turned. Both twins stared at the Monster Jizz as it rolled toward them. The smile disappeared from Rick’s face. Or Tony’s. Even they couldn’t tell each other apart.

“What the hell is that?”

Edgecrusher ripped his shirt free.

“My Jizz.”

The twins looked at him in disgust.

“What?”

The Monster Jizz rose behind them. Andy grabbed Edgecrusher by the shirt collar.

“DOWN!”

She dove into the grass, pulling Edgecrusher down with her. The Monster Jizz slammed into the twins, swallowing them both in an instant.  The giant white blob sat in the middle of the sidewalk. Something moved from the inside of it. A hand punched through the surface and grabbed at the air before the jizz sucked it back. Andy crawled beside Edgecrusher.

“Oh my God!”

The two shapes struggled beneath the surface. For several seconds, Edgecrusher could see them kicking and punching. Then the Jizz rolled over itself and the shapes stopped fighting. Andy covered her mouth.

“It ate them.”

A shoe floated briefly to the surface of the jizz then sank back into it.

“Think that clears my outstanding balance?” Edgecrusher asked as the front door opened.

“GET OFF MY LAWN!”

Edgecrusher looked toward the porch. Uncle Mr. Miller stepped outside. His thick glasses sat crooked on his face and he held a 'Sex machine' coffee mug in one hand.

Uncle Mr. Miller looked at the giant blob. His coffee mug slipped from his fingers and crashed to the porch, breaking into pieces.

“I warned ya.”

Edgecrusher climbed to his feet. The white mass slowly turned away from Edgecrusher and Andy. It moved toward Uncle Mr. Miller.

"Oh, shit!"

Uncle Mr. Miller turned and ran inside. The entire house shook as the Monster Jizz slammed into it. The massive glob crashed against the front door, ripping the frame away from the house and taking the door with it. Wood splintered and flew across the hallway as the Jizz poured through the gaping entrance and flooded into the house.

“Uncle Mr. Miller!”

Edgecrusher ran toward the house. Andy grabbed the back of his shirt.

“Where are you going?”

“It’s gonna eat him!”

“It just ate two people!”

“Exactly! That’s how I know it can!”

Edgecrusher pulled free and raced toward the porch.

“Come on!”

“Are you insane?”

“I’ll give you ten dollars!”

Andy hesitated.

“Ten?”

“Double or nothing!”

Andy thought for a second.

“Fine.”

They raced onto the porch and through the broken doorway.






Edgecrusher and Andy rushed through the broken front door. Furniture had been knocked over. Pictures hung crooked from the walls. White slime covered the floor and walls in thick, dripping streaks. And in the far corner stood Uncle Mr. Miller. The enormous mass of Monster Jizz filled most of the room. It pulsed and shifted as it slowly closed in on him.

“Uncle Mr. Miller!” Edgecrusher shouted. Mr. Miller turned. His face was pale.

“I made the thing,” he said. “Now I must die for it.”

Edgecrusher froze. He knew it, he fucking knew it.

“You are a mitch!”

“What?”

“You made the Monster Jizz!” Edgecrusher shouted. “You did all that mumbling when you saw it! You put a spell on it to kill me! Don't lie to me, you mitch!”

“I didn't make it to kill you.”

Edgecrusher lowered his head, visibly disappointed.

“Oh. I thought this whole thing was for me.”

Mr. Miller shrugged.

“I mean, I don't particularly care if you die, but this wasn't my idea, ya idiot.”

“Then whose idea was it?”

Mr. Miller slowly raised one trembling hand and pointed across the room. Sarabeth sat on top of the overturned couch. Even the blob of Jizz seemed to be confused by this revelation.

“The cat?”

Mr. Miller nodded.

“I've been her prisoner.”

Andy stared at him.

“Her prisoner?”

“For years.”

Sarabeth jumped down from the couch.

“She wanted you gone,” Mr. Miller said. “She knew your mother was bringing you here. She made me curse the Monster Jizz to get rid of you.”

Edgecrusher stared at the cat.

“I fucking knew that cat was an asshole.”

Sarabeth hissed, then her body began to change. Her back arched and legs stretched. Her body twisted and grew. Fur disappeared beneath smooth skin. Her paws stretched into hands and feet. Within seconds, the cat was gone. A woman stood in her place. Andy stumbled backward.

“What the fuck?”

Edgecrusher nodded.

“Mitch.”

Sarabeth glared at him.

“Witch.”

“That's what I said.”

Sarabeth straightened and brushed loose strands of dark hair from her face.

“You were never supposed to come here.”

Edgecrusher looked at Uncle Mr. Miller.

“He told me I could stay.”

“I did not,” Mr. Miller said.

“You didn't say I couldn't.”

“I repeatedly told you to leave.”

“Mixed signals.”

Sarabeth stepped closer.

“Your mother bringing you here ruined everything. I had spent years making sure this fool remained isolated and under my control.”

Mr. Miller sighed.

“She turned herself into a cat and moved into my house.”

Edgecrusher looked at him.

“And you just let her?”

“You did the same thing.”

Edgecrusher thought for a moment.

“Still feels like you could've put her outside.”

Sarabeth clenched her fists.

“I controlled this house. I controlled him. Everything was exactly as I wanted it until you arrived.”

Edgecrusher smiled.

“So you were jealous.”

“No.”

“You didn't want Uncle Mr. Miller making new friends.”

“You are not my friend,” Uncle Mr. Miller said.

Sarabeth ignored him.

“You disrupted everything. You wandered through my home. You touched things that did not belong to you. And then you brought that disgusting animal inside.” Sarabeth sneered. “Trigger. What kind of ridiculous name is that?” A bark echoed from somewhere in the distance.

Sarabeth paused then took another step forward.

“I needed you gone.”

“So you cursed the Monster Jizz.”

“Yes.”

She raised both hands and the Jizz surged behind her. A thick strand rose from the floor like a giant tentacle. Andy grabbed Edgecrusher's arm.

“Maybe we should run.”

A massive crash exploded from the hallway. Everyone turned to see what it was. Heavy footsteps thundered toward the room followed by an excited bark.

“Trigger!”

His back nearly reached Edgecrusher’s shoulders. His tail whipped wildly behind him, knocking a lamp across the room. His tongue hung from his mouth as he stared happily at Edgecrusher.

“Holy shit!” Andy yelled. “He's the size of a horse!”

Trigger barked. The entire room shook.

“Hey, buddy!”

Trigger charged toward Edgecrusher ready for some belly rubs. Sarabeth happened to be standing between them. She turned just in time to see several hundred pounds of excited dog barreling toward her. The dog slammed into Sarabeth. She flew backward and straight into the Monster Jizz. Sarabeth screamed as the white mass wrapped around her. She fought against it, but every movement only pulled her deeper.

“Help me! It's getting in my mouth!”

Edgecrusher watched as the Monster Jizz swallowed her. The instant she disappeared, the entire mass began to shake and collapsed inward. The huge mound shrank to half its size. The slime coating the walls slid across the floor and rejoined the shrinking blob. The thick strands hanging from the ceiling dropped into it. Within seconds, the Monster Jizz was the size of a basketball.

Then a baseball.

Then a marble.

Then it disappeared.

Trigger whimpered as his giant body began to shrink. His legs shortened. His body pulled inward. His massive head returned to its normal size. Seconds later, Trigger stood in the middle of the destroyed living room, wagging his tail. Edgecrusher smiled.

“Good boy.”

Andy stared at the floor.

“Uh... Edgecrusher?”

“What?”

She pointed.

Rick and Tony Beymer lay sprawled in the center of the room. Their bodies were swollen and misshapen, covered from head to toe in thick white slime. Their skin looked pale and wrinkled beneath the coating, their hair plastered flat against their heads. Their Wiggles T-shirts clung tightly to their bloated bodies, soaked through with Monster Jizz.

The front door opened.

“Edgecrusher?”

He spun around.

“Mom!”

His mother stepped into the house carrying two suitcases.

“I brought the rest of your...”

She stopped with her mouth wide open. Her eyes moved across the destroyed living room. The overturned furniture covered in slime. The broken lamps and shattered pictures. The thick streaks of white goo dripping down the walls. She looked at the giant hole where the front door used to be. Then at Rick and Tony Beymer's bloated corpses lying in the middle of the floor. Finally, she looked at Edgecrusher, who smiled.

“Hey, Mom.”

His mother looked around the room one more time. Then down at the suitcases in her hands. She dropped them, turned around, and walked out. Edgecrusher's smile disappeared.

“Mom?”

He hurried after her.

“Mom!”

She kept walking.

“Wait!”

Edgecrusher rushed through the doorway and onto the porch.

“Don't leave me here!”

His mother stopped at the bottom of the steps. Edgecrusher waited. She turned around.

“Edgecrusher.”

“Yeah?”

“You're forty-three years old.”

She turned and continued down the sidewalk. Edgecrusher stood silently on the porch, watching her walk away.

Behind him, Trigger barked.