Enter: A nondescript XWF boardroom.

Okay, well its somewhat descript because vampire megastar Kristoffer Arroyo is there, accompanied by his young (also a vampire) ward Matty. Matty is seated crosslegged on top of the conference room table, and Kristoffer is standing behind a lectern. Displayed on the screen behind him are the words….

Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (and the Undead)

Matty yawns and stretches his arms up into the air.

“I thought these administrative types were supposed to be on time. Where the hell are they?”

Kris takes a look at his watch and rolls his eyes sympathetically. “We’ll give them a few more minutes.”

Then, as of on cue, the door opens wide and in steps Anarchy General Manager and the biggest little person you know, BIG DICK LICHTER.

Big Dick enters the room and shoots a smile at Kris.

“Krissy! My favorite Anarchy workhorse! How’s it hangin’, vampy?” Then, he spots the screen behind Kris and his smile instantly turns upside down. “So, I’d ask what this is about, but apparently vampires know Powerpoint.”

Kris points at Dick. “Vampires do INDEED know Powerpoint. I was particularly bored during Covid and decided to upskill.”

“Aren’t vampires immune to Covid?”

“Surprisingly not. Go figure. Anyway, have a seat Dick. We’re almost ready to begin. Just waiting on….”

Wow, two almost on cues! The door opens again and in walks Warfare GM Peter Principle. Peter is naturally dressed in the cheapest, tackiest Spirit produced vampire costume you can imagine. Matty slaps his forehead.

“Oh Jesus Christ!”

“Kris! My vampire brother from another mother!” Peter intones, spreading his arms wide.

“I reiterate, Oh Jesus Christ.”

“Now, hold on a sec! I just wanted to let you know that contrary to the previous administration, I have NOTHING but respect for you Kristoffer. Absolute respect! So much respect I stopped and picked up this costume on the way over to show my solidarity with the vampire cause.”

“Dude, that costume is racist AF.”

Peter looks appalled. “It…it’s not racist!” Then, turning to Kris. “Oh my God, is it racist? Please don’t kick my ass.”

“Vampires aren’t even a race, so you can’t be racist against them.” Dick argues, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

“They are too a race!” Matty shouts back.

“Look half pint, I think I’ve been around a bit longer than you….”

“The hell you have! I’m in my 60’s! And half pint? I got at least six inches on you!”

“Not where it counts….”

Matty snaps to his feet, fists balled at his sides. “I’m gonna beat your ass, Dick!”

Kris steps out from behind the podium, holding his hands out placatingly. “Whoa, whoa, whoa….let’s all just calm down!” Kris takes stock of the room. “We’re not here to fight. We’re here to learn and grow as individuals. Right?”

“Right!”

“I guess.”

‘Whatever.”

“Glad to hear it. Now how’s about we get started?”

Kris clicks the remote in his hand and a star wipe ushers us into the next slide.

“Star wipe!”

Kris looks askance at Matty. “Are you going to say that every time?”

“Yup!”

Kris sighs and instead opts to gesture towards the screen, which now reads….

What does DEI mean to you?

“So, just as the screen says, what’s it mean to you? Dick let’s start with you.”

“It means some ham fisted liberal touchy feely bullshit designed to make mediocre people feel better about themselves for being mediocre!” Big Dick grouses.

Kris nods his head, pondering. “Interesting perspective. Wrong. But interesting. Peter?”

“It means equitable diversity and inclusion!” Peter smiles like he’s proud of himself and his fake fangs fall out of his mouth.

“An answer that literally says nothing.” Kris runs a hand down his face in consternation. “Look, can you guys at least TRY?”

“I’m trying….I’m trying!”

“No.”

“I told you this was a waste of time, Kris.”

“Okay, fine, let’s start with what DEI means to me. To me, DEI means giving someone who wouldn’t ordinarily have gotten an opportunity a leg up. It means supporting the little guy, or the one who’s different. What it definitely doesn’t mean is putting your vampire performer in a kitschy curtain jerker where the opponent is encouraged to murder him with a wooden stake!”

“Oh, so you’re still mad about that one.”

“I swear I had nothing to do with that. NOTHING!”

“For real. That was all Elon.”

“Please, please, don’t beat my ass.”

Kris considers the two general managers for a moment before speaking again. “You know what, I actually believe you two. I DON’T think you had anything to do with my match at Relentless. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take some time to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Next slide.”

What does being undead mean to you?

“Star wipe!”

“Yes, thank you Matty.”

“You’re welcome, bro.”

“So, let’s put ourselves in the other guy’s shoes for a moment. What does being undead mean to you?”

“Getting out of paying taxes.”

“Hot, tawdry vampire sex!”

“Once again, astounding, yet shameful.” Kris raps his knuckles on the lectern, perhaps trying to dispel some annoyance. “That’s all you can think of?”

“Is the vampire sex not amazing?”

“I mean….it IS…..but…..”

Matty claps his hands over his ears. “EWWWWWW! I don’t want to hear about Kris’ sex life!”

“Look, you’re all missing the point! Which is that being undead is not all glitz, glamour, and gothic panache. It’s HARD. Much harder than you realize. Take living forever. Yeah, sounds pretty cool on the surface. But remember, everyone I’ve ever loved and cared about that isn’t a vampire I’ve seen BURIED. I’ve been through multiple lifetimes of heartache and loss and….”

“But you’re seriously telling me the sex doesn’t make up for it?”

“You have a one track mind.”

“So Kris, be honest, just between us bros, would you switch teams to bang Vita?”

“Oh, I LOVE Vita! Do you think she would go on a date with me?”

Kris shakes his head in annoyance. “No! And sexuality does NOT work that way!”

“More for me then!” Matty smiles impishly.

“Can we please, PLEASE get back on track here?!”

Peter timidly raises his hand.

“Peter, you don’t have to raise your hand.”

“Oh ok! But uhhhhhh, just out of, you know, curiosity, how many slides are there?”

“97.”

“SHIT!”

Kris hits the button on the control again.

“Star wipe!”

HOURS LATER…….

“....so, in conclusion, a little consideration goes a long way when you’re dealing with people different than you. That’s all for my presentation. Thank you for coming.”


Kris places the remote down on the lectern and considers his audience.

Big Dick is sleeping with his eyes open. Creepy.

Peter Principle is literally holding his eyes open with his hands, but tears are running down his cheeks, smearing his vampire makeup.

Matty is also asleep, and some cobwebs have formed between his neck and chest.

Kris sighs and slams a fist down on the lectern, which awakens everyone who was asleep. Dick jumps up out of his seat with a start. Matty rouses slowly, licking his lips and picking away at the cobwebs that have formed on his body.

“I stayed awake!” Peter declares, like he’s now eligible for a prize.

“Yes, Peter, yes you did. And I’m glad you did, because now we can talk business.”

Peter finally lets go of his teary bloodshot eyes and blinks a few times. “What kind of business?”

“Yo, can I go?” Big Dick interjects.

“I suppose. But if I catch anymore bullshit like that match at Relentless….”

“I know, I know, you’ll break your fangs off in my ass.”

“I mean…ew….no, actually.” Kris waves Dick away. “Just go.”

“Gladly!” Dick wastes no time prying himself out of the chair he’s been condemned to for hours with a grunt and hurries towards the door.

Kris trains his attention on Peter. “I want the Blade Championship Blade when I beat Deena.”

Peter winces, and holds a hand up to his mouth, whispering conspiratorially like he’s delivering some forbidden message. “Isn’t that kind of beneath you?”

“Apparently not seeing as how you booked me in the curtain jerker against her! I mean, what the fuck Peter! And I know that was all you because Elon was gone when that card got booked.”

“I know. I know!” Peter looks despondent. “You guys don’t understand how hard it is to make those cards week after week! The expectations! You can’t please everyone!”

“Yeah? But you should be worried about pleasing me, Peter. You know I’m main event caliber! You know I’m better than this! I mean, Jesus, the Television Championship and Xtreme Championship were right fucking there and you gave those opportunities to a clown and a Television Clown!”

Peter looks confused for a moment, then waggles his finger at Kris. “Oh, I see what you did there!”

“Oh, ok. Well I’m glad we’re on the same level then. Because I assume that when I’m booked on Warfare in the future this bullshit won’t happen again. Don’t make me get the NAAVP involved!”

“The NAAVP?”

“National Association for the Advancement of Vampire People. And before you ask, yes, it’s a real thing.”

“Oh, damn!” Peter’s eyes widen.

“Yeah!” Kris huffs. Then, with one uncommonly smooth motion, he swings his body around, getting eye to smoldering eye with the camera.

“Deena, I’m sorry. Why?

Because you don’t deserve this.

You don’t deserve what’s going to happen to you.

I.E. ME.

You deserve to be that placated little guppy, swimming around with all your little friends as they struggle to operate Velcro shoes and pretend the Blade Championship Blade is worth a shit.

You deserve to continue the uninterrupted wide awake coma you call a life without the intrusion of someone who is actually talented and capable of forming a complete, coherent thought.

You deserve the nonstop sea of mediocrity that is the basis of your entire existence.

But instead, what do you get?

You get to contend with main event level talent that is for some Godforsaken reason being forced to slum it in your end of the kiddy pool.

And you know, if it sounds like I’m confident, if it sounds like I’m huffing my own product, well, it’s because I am.

Because I know what I’m worth. Because I know where I SHOULD stand in the pecking order of things around here. Because in the last year I’ve gone 16 and 4 and in that time only actually been pinned TWICE.

So Deena, you and all the bookers who thought this was a good idea….”

Kris looks back at Peter with a glower. Peter gulps audibly and tugs his collar.

“....can get royally fucked.

Because me? I TRY. I put in the labor. The effort. The blood, sweat and tears. I don’t just regurgitate the same slop and the same losing record week in and week out “on Warfare, on XWF” like you and your ilk too and then turn around and have the complete audacity to demand title shot after title shot for doing FUCK ALL.

But even with all that notwithstanding, you STILL don’t deserve this, Deena. You don’t deserve what I’m going to do to you.

Because damn girl, it looks like in order to finally make these idiots pay attention I need to go back to making a statement again.

Maybe they’re taking my newfound kindness for weakness. Maybe they’re still of that tired mindset that only edgy sells in the XWF after all. I thought that bullshit died out, but I could be wrong. So I’m going to give them what they crave one more time. One more bloodletting. One more revelation of the old Kristoffer Arroyo. One more bearing of the fangs.”

Kristoffer pauses so you can catch the barest glimpse of one of his sharpened incisors.

“And in so doing, I’m gonna nuke the pond you and the blade division swim in. I’m gonna expose your belly and eviscerate you, not because I want to, but because I’ve been put in that position with no other choice.

So, yeah, Deena. Here’s a preemptive “my bad” for your future troubles.”

Kris runs his tongue along his teeth, looking contemplaitve for a moment before retraining his attention eyes forward.

“My last statement is for management. Guys, what happens to Deena is on you. I’d like to say that that’s going to give you some trouble sleeping at night but I know that’s probably not true. But here’s the takeaway regardless.

I will no longer accept THIS.

The curtain jerkers. The gimmick matches. The shitty ELO scores. All the fucking fun you’ve been having at my expense.

It ENDS.

War Games is right around the corner and if you’ll recall, last year I would have won it if it weren’t for Kieran King’s selfishness. Yeah, I would have won one of the toughest and most grueling competitions in the entire XWF in my SECOND FUCKING MONTH. And hell, let’s give King Kieran the credit where it’s due, he barely saw me do anything and was so impressed he drafted me FIRST. Yeah. The Universal Champion drafted a stone cold rookie FIRST out of the entire field. Over Dickie. Over Game Girl. Over everyone.

And that Kristoffer Arroyo?

He may not be in Samael Dyson’s employ anymore, but he hasn’t actually gone anywhere.

He’s still standing right here in front of you.

Now I’m just challenging you to see it again.

And I’m challenging you to see it by wearing Deena Hixx’s BLOOD.

So are we clear guys?

Do we have an understanding?

Because this shit I’m going to do to Deena?

I can do it all day and all night and you’ll catch the receipts for those hospital stays.

Savvy?”

Kris turns back around towards Peter and quirks an eyebrow. Peter nods his head vehemently and sputters, “H-heard l-loud and clear!”

“Good. Alright Matty, let’s get outta here.”

“I think I might have eaten a spider while I was asleep.” Matty says, smacking his lips with a disgusted look on his face.

Kris sighs. “There’s that dramatic denouement I was looking for.”

“Soooooorrrrryyyyyyy…..”

We can see Peter beating a stealthy retreat in the background as Kris’ phone rings. He retrieves it from his pocket and answers.

“This is Kris.”

“You know who this is. Don’t hang up the phone.’

Kris’ entire countenance changes, instantly going stony.

“Yeah, yeah, I know who this is. I figured this call would be coming sooner or later.”

“She went to you for help Kris and you abandoned her. And now she’s dead!”

Matty takes stock of the tense nature of the conversation and asks, “Is everything ok?”

Kris holds a finger up, begging Matty off as he continues to listen.

“You were in a unique position to stop him and you did NOTHING.”

“God dammit you want to know why I did nothing?” Kris hissed into the phone. “That THING went after Matty! I wasn’t willing to jeopardize his life for my vendetta.”

“But you were more than willing to jeopardize Lux’s because in the end, she didn’t mean anything to you. But she meant the world to me. And now she’s gone. And you and me?

We’ve got a big fucking problem.”

Suddenly, the line went dead. Kris slowly pulled the phone away from his ear and muttered a curse.

He could finally cross off “having a major beef with Corey Smith” on his Bingo card.