A fuzzy television screen shows a replay of Relentless Night Three!

JC: She did it! Summer Page is now a TWO-TIME Revolution Champion! JR: And Mari lost the lucha de apuestas! That means… …Mari cradles her leg as the official takes the belt from the timekeeper… Summer moves to the center of the ring, smirking confidently… …Mari stews furiously as the official meekly offers her the belt. Mari snatches it from him! She peers around viciously as the crowd buzzes, knowing what’s to come. Summer guffaws as she places her hands on her hips… Mari literally holds her nose… As she clasps the belt around Summer’s waist! JC: She did it! Mari put the belt around Summer’s waist! JR: Knowing how bitter their rivalry is, that might have hurt even worse than the Perfect 10! Mari immediately takes hand sanitizer from Nessa to wipe herself clean of that moment, already plotting as she retreats up the ramp!

”BAH!”

WHAM! A plastic pink Vilaro SHAKE-N-MOVE shaker cup COLLIDES with the screen, coating the image in vanilla white MARI-zipan protein shake.

”How dare they humiliate me like that… With a stipulation I NEVER AGREED TO!”

…The old Relentless contract sits on her magnificent mahogany desk with her signature just below the Luchas de Apuestas stipulation.

”FAKE NEWS! I THOUGHT THAT STIPULATION MEANT SUMMER WOULD PUT THE BELT ON MARI! I DIDN’T THINK IT APPLIED TO MARI PUTTING THE BELT ON HER!”

Mari punts the contract into the wall, where it falls into the paper shredder and gets turned into mulch.

Mari’s perfectly manicured fingernails dig into the pinstripe arms of her velour purple MARI-velous CEO brand Suit for Businesswomen.

”They all have Mari Derangement Syndrome! They’re all out to get Mari!” Mari fumes, staring daggers into the screen as Summer lifts the belt… what had been her belt… to the screaming masses.

”To make Mari a laughingstock!” Mari spins behind her! ”Could you ever imagine ANYONE laughing at MARI?!?”

…

Behind Mari is Butler Clown, wearing a pinstripe polka dot suit. He’s carrying a tray of hors d'oeuvres.

…

Wait, no, he’s carrying a tray of horse curves.

On the tray are pictures of horses wearing one-piece swimsuits designed to show off their curves.

The top image in the stack looks like a dog biting the horse’s swimsuit like the Coppertone sunscreen logo.

The horse looks FURIOUS.

”IS THAT SOME KIND OF JOKE?!? DO YOU THINK MARI IS A JOKE?!?”

Butler Clown raises his finger and opens his mouth like he’s going to say something.

…

He presses down on his nose.

It honks.

” SILENCIO!”

Marisol smacks the tray out of Butler Clown’s hands!

The horse pictures go flying in all directions!

“I am a SERIOUS CEO! A SERIOUS WOMAN! Behold my empire at work!”

She moves to the edge of the executive suite and throws the curtains open to view the factory floor.

…It is a fucking MADHOUSE.

The clowns on the assembly line are holding an assembly.

“As Principal Clown!” starts an old wizened clown. “I am proud to announce that this year’s valedictorian clown is… Access-to-the-School-Database Clown!”

The clowns clap their hands, which honk at absurdly loud volumes as AttSD Clown takes the stage.

“Thank you! And may I just say… `Mari'); DROP TABLE ACTION_FIGURES; –”

Suddenly, the table upon which a tower of Mari action figures sits disappears! Action figures go scattering everywhere!

Meanwhile, a clown working the assembly line grabs two pieces and jams them together to make Mari’s dumbbell tower product.

He tries to assemble more but the pieces come faster and faster! He starts heaving his chest.

“I didn’t realize putting together exercise stuff WAS exercise! *sigh* Maybe I’m Outta Shape Clown…”

The clown beside him taps him on the shoulder!

“No, THAT’s Outta Shape Clown!”

He points to a clown that has nine straight sides and somehow all of her angles add up to 672 degrees. Don’t try to picture her, she’s geometrically impossible.

Outta Shape Clown SLAPS both of them with a rubber glove.

“You try having three clown kids and see if YOUR angles still equal the number of your sides times one-hundred-eighty degrees!”

”WHAT IS THIS?!”

The clownfoolery suddenly stops at once!

Mari stomps down the staircase to her factory floor!

”All of you, FALL IN LINE!”

The clowns scramble to reach line formation…

One of them trips over shoelaces!


They all fall…

And wind up in a perfect vertical line formation!

”What is wrong with you clowns?!? All of these shenanigans! This buffoonery! No one told Mari clowns would be this… what is this word Mari is looking for…?”

…Cough Clown clowns.

“Funny?” Suggestion Clown suggests.

“BLEH!” Mari sneers furiously. “Dis-GUSTING word! Fun-KNEEE!?!” Mari says ‘funny’ like it’s a foreign word she’s never pronounced in her life.

“Mari is NOT Fun-KNEEE!!!! No one LAUGHS at Mari! Everyone MARVELS at Mari! Everyone WORSHIPS Mari! Everyone BASKS in the glory that Mari EXUDES!”

Mari points forcefully!

“ALL OF YOU! BOW TO MARI NOW!”

The Clowns scramble off the floor, rushing to bow!

Quickly Bows Clown bows quickly, drawing his head toward the ground.

Which naturally draws his backfoot into the air, catching Slapstick Clown under the jaw, who bowls over into Bowling Pins Clown 1 through 10, who all scatter down the floor!

“STEEEEE-RIKE!” Calls out Bowling Alley Announcer Clown.

“SILENCE!” Mari screams through the megaphone!

The clowns quickly stand and salute in terror.

“NO MORE JOKES! NO MORE Fun-KNEEE-NESS! You clowns are ambassadors of the Mari brand now! You are EXTENSIONS of Mari! And NO ONE LAUGHS AT MARI!”

…Mari snorts.

“YOUR TRAINING STARTS TODAY!”

---

A legion of clowns stands in the VilaroFit gym.

Mari drops a pair of dumbbells on the ground.

“YOUR CLOWN ARMS ARE NOW MARI’S ARMS. AND MARI’S ARMS SHOULD BE STRONG.”

Mari points down.

“LIFT THESE WEIGHTS.”

…The clowns turn away from the weights and huddle.

Collectively, they nod and shake hands, before selecting…

Forklift-Certified Clown!

FCC rolls his forklift forward and presses the button to set his forklift under the weights…

He Liiiiiiiiiii…

…

LIIIIIIIIIIIII…

…

FCC scratches his chin.

The forklift itself wipes his forehead clear of sweat.

FCC spits on his hands and rubs them together.

His forklift spits on its fork tines and rubs them together.

They LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFT…

SO HARD THAT THE FLOOR COMES OFF THE GROUND!

…

But the weights remain exactly where they were.

---

WHISTLE!

“YOUR LUNGS BELONG TO MARI! YOU WILL RUN UNTIL THEY ARE HEALTHY LIKE MARI!”

The clowns run around a track. Mari rides in a saddle atop Two-Clowns-in-a-Two-Person-Horse-Costume Clown (which is actually three clowns dressed as two clowns in two person horse costume).

“RUN, YOU CLOWNS! YOU CAN’T LAUGH IF YOU CAN’T BREATHE!”

Quickness Clown actually manages a decent running technique, leading out in front of the pack.

By the racetrack’s lap line, Quick Snack Clown finishes a banana and throws the peel over his shoulder onto the track.

Quickness Clown SLIIIIIIIIIIIPS on the banana peel! Straight into Somersault Clown, who does a somersault into Surprised Leap Clown, who leaps onto Clown Horse, the horse who was raised by clowns!

Suddenly, Clown Horse and Two-Clowns-in-a-Two-Person-Horse-Costume Clown are running neck and neck along the track!

“Coming around the bend, it’s Clown Horse, followed by Two-Clowns-in-a-Two-Person-Horse-Costume Clown, followed by a “Long List of Other Clowns”, followed by “A Punchline”, followed by “Wait, No, The Bit is still Going”, followed by “Followed by”, followed by “The Follower of Followed By”, followed by “Follower of Followed By’s Twitter Followers”!”

Follower of Followed By is trailed by a group of clowns all locked on their phones tweeting behind him.

“Faster! Mari does not lose!”

Mari whips the backside of her Two-Clowns-in-a-Two-Person-Horse-Costume Clown with a riding crop!

“...MMMMMMMMMMM…” says the middle clown of the three clowns that make up Two-Clowns-in-a-Two-Person-Horse-Costume Clown.

Or, as he’ll be known after today, Just-Discovered-He-Has-The-Most-Specific-Fetish Clown.

Surprised Leap Clown and Mari are neck-and-neck!

“It’s gonna be a photo finish!” Horserace Announcer Clown calls out!

Family Photographer Clown sets up at the finish line with his camera and his little birdie…

“Actually, let’s get the whole family in the shot!”

All the clowns scramble to get to the finish line, setting up for a family photo at the finish line

AS THAT MOMENT MARI SCRAMBLES OVER THE CLOWN FAMILY PHOTO!

FLASH!

---

”Let Mari tell you something!”

Mari is standing back in her board room, sitting in her executive chair.

A clown is holding each of her hands, filing her cuticles down to perfection.

”Mari, with her army of cheap of labor, is about to take over the entire tag division on this sorry brand they call Anarchy!”

“Look at Mari’s competition and feel disgust and shame!”

Chooses-His-Words-Carefully Clown scratches his chin thoughtfully.

”I dunno… I mean, the other teams seem okay!”

Mari grabs CHWC Clown by his purple nose and pulls him toward her face.

”If you like JOKES! WHO HERE LIKES JOKES?!?”

…Appreciates-the-Classics Clown slowly starts to raise his hand.

”NO ONE! THAT’S WHO!”

Appreciates-the-Classics Clown slowly lowers his hand.

”Woke Mind Virus! You sorry fools! Fretting about your pronouns! Mari only uses ONE pronoun and that is MARI! And that goes for all of Mari’s minions! ALL PRONOUNS ARE MARI!”

…Politically Correct Clown’s eyes widen!

”Wait, so you… er, I mean… Wait…”

PC Clown takes a breath, closing his eyes to concentrate.

”So, MARI means that when MARI and all of MARI only use MARI, that includes every…Mari?”

”Now, you’re getting it!”

”Actually, MARI’s getting it!”

”NEVER CORRECT ME!” Mari punts PC Clown in the chest! He slides backwards into a gender-neutral bathroom!

”Then, Roger and Safari Stu! With all you hijinx! Mari SPITS on your hijinx!”

Spitoon Clown HAAAAAAACKS up and SPITS into a spitoon!

F’TAAANG!

”You two are jokes! And Mari DESPISES jokes! Laughter is a poison that distracts the public from the glory that is MARI!”

“All of your silly adventures through space and battling nincompoops! Mari is no nincompoop! Mari is the QUEEN of VilaroFit! Mari is destined to rule the tag division with an iron fist!”

Iron Fist Clown, the clown with an iron fist, tries to raise his fist in the air…

…But his fist is really heavy, as it is made of iron, so it drags down by the floor.

…Mari eyes Iron Fist Clown.

She turns toward Training Dummy Clown.

“You! Stand here!”

Training Dummy Clown stands in front of Mari.

Mari picks up Iron Fist’s Clown hand for him…

WHAM! She hits Training Dummy Clown with Iron Fist Clown’s Iron Fist!

His whole face gets knocked inside out as he goes flying like a burst balloon.

…Mari drops Iron Fist Clown’s iron fist, which falls back to the floor with a thud.

”You shall be my partner, fool.”

Iron Fist Clown tries to lift his thumb to give a thumbs up.

Unfortunately, his thumb is made of iron and he cannot lift it.

”Finally… Vita. Deacon St. John.”

”With all your silly little monster hijinx! Battling vampires! Leading ghost tours! Bigfoot roommates! FEH!”

“You chase after so-called monsters, when the one you should fear is MARI!”

“MARI is the GODDESS that tantalizes you in your dreams!”

“MARI is the DEMON that plagues your nightmares!”

Above her, Mari sees a golden championship belt…

Mari snaps her fingers.

In unison, the clowns make a human pyramid…

Mari walks up the backs of the clowns to ascend…

And within seconds she has the belt.

“And when Thursday comes and the final bell tolls, MARI will stand supreme over ALL!”

“MARI will be the NEW ANARCHY TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!”

“And NO ONE WILL LAUGH AT MARI!”

As Mari lifts her belt to the camera.

The Clown Pyramid collapses like a house of cards.

With a whoopee cushion sound.