Cameras! Spotlights whirring around! A panel of judges! Lines wrapping around the block, multiple times! Everyone who’s anyone is here!

”We’ve hunted through dozens of cities, witnessed thousands of auditions and we’ve narrowed it down… TO THREE! Who will become…”

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP VAMPIRE ACTOR

Our three vampire actors are around the bungalow…

”So, down to just us three, huh?” One says while snacking on an apple in the kitchen area…

”...Yes, that is… literally what the voiceover just said, Kyle.”

Dean, 24, Independent Film Actor

Dean’s in the confessional. He’s a dark-haired, pale young man dressed in all black…

”I would rate my chances at… 99% of winning at this point. Kyle is an idiot. He’s still here eating food… he had a pepperoni pizza with GARLIC yesterday! It’s STUPID he’s lasted this long!”

---

SUPER CUT OF…

• Kyle entering a home without being invited.
  
• Kyle crossing running water.
  
• Kyle looking at his own reflection and giving it a wink and finger gun.
  

”Hey, good-looking!”

---

Kyle, 21, Male Model

”I’m super amped! I can’t wait to pitch my business idea! When do we get to that part? Where’s Mark Cuban?”

---

”And Alucard?”

Dean shakes his head.

”He just doesn’t have it.”

---

Alucard, 3725, Vampire

A man dressed like a Victorian count… pale face… long fangs, stares into the confessional camera.

”I am Alucard. And I am a shoo-in to win this foolish, mortal competition. I do not have to act. I am an actual vampire.”

---

The three vampire actors emerge from the curtain…

Standing before the judges…



WESLEY SNIPES (Blade)



PAUL WESLEY (Vampire Diaries)

And of course…



SIR LIONEL PENNYFARTHING (An off-Broadway stage adaptation of Mel Brooks’ Dracula: Dead and Loving It)

(unlicensed)

(litigation by Mel Brooks remains ongoing to this day)

---

”Alright! Bring on the PERFORMANCES! Let’s begin with… Dean, was it?”

Alucard clears his throat…

”Actually, I became quite famished while we were waiting in the back so… I fed upon young Dean…”

Dean is leaning against the back wall, his eyes rapidly flutter as blood drips down an open wound on his neck… A visible bite.

…

Sir Lionel strokes his chin thoughtfully.

”Hmmm… I suppose we’ll come back to him.”

“Well, what about you, Alucard? What performance hath you prepared?”

…

Alucard’s eyes narrow with puzzlement…

”... I mean… I did it? That’s the most vampire shit anyone’s done on this show?”

He gestures vaguely at Dean’s semi-conscious body…

”...Can Kyle over there consume the blood of the living?”

Kyle nods cluelessly as he steps forward toward the judges.

”Thank you, sharks! Have you ever been hungry for a burrito… but also needed a place to keep your tools? I’m seeking 25 million dollars for my inv-”

”Hold that thought, Kyle.” Sir Lionel waves him back…

Sir Lionel looks upon Alucard with disdain and fury!

”How dare you, sir!” Lionel smacks his drink cup off the table! ”You call THAT a performance! You did it OFF-SCREEN! Where is the vampiric stalking pace? The dramatic reveal of your fangs!?! The covering your face with a cape?!?”

Lionel points at the costume box behind Alucard…

”Now put on those plastic fangs and cape!”

”...I have real fangs…”

”IRRELEVANT!”

…Alucard’s face contorts into a displeased sneer.

”Those mannerisms are actually an offensive stereotype of my people. Would you disgusting mortals host a show called American’s Next Top Italian and have them partake in Italian stereotypes?”

”...Yes, absolutely.”

Paul Wesley casually raises his hand.

”Uh… I’m actually Italian on my mother’s side…”

”Really? Well, as they say in your homeland, ‘Pizza Pie’ to you, my Italian friend!” Lionel pinches his index and middle fingers to his thumb and rocks his wrist.

”...”

”Look.” Alucard crosses his arms. ”I’m actually a vampire. This whole show should have been over on day one when I showed my actual papers from the Vampire Council, PROVING I’m a Vampire!” Alucard unfurls a scroll, showing his vampire registration and free villager blood punch card.

”POPPYCOCK!” Lionel smashes his fist against the table! ”This is not America’s Next Top Vampire! It’s A VAMPIRE ACTING CONTEST! And you may BE a Vampire… but is being a vampire in your BONES… in your SOUL… in your BLOOD… Or as my Italian friend would say… Ragu!”

”...wait, do you think the Italian word for blood is ‘Ragu’? Or that Italians bleed Ragu sauce?”

Lionel smacks the table again!

”DO YOU EVEN WANT THIS, ALUCARD?!? BECAUSE IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TAKE CONTEST SERIOUSLY, GET IN YOUR COFFIN, SAIL BACK TO TRANSYLVANIA AND LEAVE VAMPIRE ACTING TO THE PROFESSIONALS!”

”I DON’T NEED THIS!” Alucard storms forward, going to attack Lionel!

”AH! SAVE ME, BLADE!”

Unfortunately for Lionel, Wesley Snipes is currently listening to a podcast about the history of the dryer sheet and is barely tuning into any of this.

Paul Wesley dives in front of Alucard!

Alucard bites down on Paul Wesley’s neck…

…

”What the fuck?” Alucard hisses, spitting the contents of his mouth to the floor. ”His blood is RAGU!”

---

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP VAMPIRE ACTOR IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY…

THE BURRITOOLBOX! AMERICA’S TOOLBOX THAT IS ALSO A BURRITO!

OOC: Lionel is judging this straight-up, whoever ACTS most like a vampire wins, NOT who IS the most vampiric.