Earth
Facility X
1:06pm

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An alarm blares as red lights envelope the dark hallways, a voice pierces through the PA.

Mindless drones run through the halls panicking, trying to get to the exit.

Elon Musk stands in his office as shutters come down the windows and turrets drop from the ceiling. “What the frick is going on!?” He looks back to a small group of people and points to his security chief. “You, explain!”

The man sighs as he holds his hand behind his back and addresses Elon, “We’re not sure sir, at 1200 hours employees reported things missing, keycards were the main concern. At 1230, everyone's lunch was replaced with creampies…”

Elon’s eyes go wide, “What of our banana storage?”

The chief shakes his head, “All gone, sir.”

“Mother of God.” Elon bites his nails, “We're either dealing with a very hungry gorilla. Or… “

“Ohohohohohoho….” Echoes from all around them.

“There's a clown loose aboot this hoose.”

Elon’s assistant tenses up, “It’s in the fucking walls!”

Musk’s eyes dart around the room and he hits a button, a wall turns exposing a rack of flamethrowers.

“Everyone, gear up and search for the clown. Kill on sight!” The four of them grab their gear and Elon looks to GROK. “You’re not human, The GROK! If anyone has a chance of not falling victim here, it’s you!”

The Grok nods and racks his flamethrower like a shotgun. Elon looks confused.

“How- Nevermind, get out there and kill that clown!”

The three leave as Elon hits another button opening his panic room and enters.

Outside, bodies litter the halls as the red light beams over them.

“Are-are they dead?” The assistant looks over them.

The Chief kneels down next to a body and checks for a pulse, “No, they’re just knocked out.” He looks around, “They all slipped on banana peels. Watch your step.”

As the three walk down the halls the chief taps on a tablet and a radar comes to life. The vents creak above them and pattering is heard rapidly moving through the walls. The assistant turns her flamethrower to the sound, her hands quivering.

“W-w-what do we do?” She snaps her head back to the others, “I’m not qualified for this.”

The Grok gives the people’s eyebrow, “We lay the smack down on clown ass! IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-”

As The Grok smells, the radar honks.

The security chief looks down at it as a small blip appears.

Honk.

Honk.

Honk.

“It’s right ahead of us.”

A bead of sweat drops down the chief’s face as he takes a step forward and his foot hits a loose plank which flips up and whacks him in the noggin.

“GAH!”  He covers his nose as he stumbles back, his heel slipping on a rogue banana peel “WOOOOOOOOOH!!!”

And crashes onto his back hitting a lone string which snaps causing a stopper to flip, which starts a bowling ball rolling down a gutter attached to the wall. The three watch as it makes it way down, hits a row of dominos were the final one tips off a ledge and lands in a catapult and is flung into the lever on a toaster which heats up the bread after a minute and pings, shooting toast up into a latch which releases a counterweight that swings against a toy clown smashing cymbals together that matches forward before falling onto a remote control and a boxing glove on a stick falls from the ceiling and annihilates the chief’s balls.

“OOOFPPH!!!”

He falls limp as the radar honks rapidly.

“Ohohohohohoho!!!” The clown appears in front of them, wiping a tear from his eye, “Oh mein Clown Gott! You ver made ze fool not, eins, not zwei but DREI times! OHOHOHOHOHO! How embarrassing!” He cackles in a sing-song, “Oh and your colleagues zaw it too! Ohh… Dis is too gut.”

The Grok! Raises his flamethrower, “Get cooked, jabroni!” and he pulls the trigger, the flame blaring as marshmallows spew out of the barrel!

Schadenfreude Clowns holds a stick as the smores pile on and he takes a big bite.

“Mmmmmmm, delicious!” He licks his entire face with a cartoonishly long tongue. “Oh ver are my manners? Grok, vould you like some…. Piiiiiiiiiiieee??”

“Only if its poontang pie, IF YA SMELLLL-”

And Schadenfreude Clown throws a cream pie into Grok’s face and sends him sailing down the hallway from the impact.

The assistant gasps as she raises her weapon, Schadenfreude turns to her with an inquisitive eyebrow, “Oh?”

He takes a step towards her as she screams and fire covers the area.

Meanwhile, Elon is in his panic room and fastens himself to a seat as he quickly taps on some buttons and a countdown comes on screen. He then lowers a guard over his chest and grabs the handles tightly.

He looks at the countdown go down slowly before hitting zero and the room shakes violently and from a window he sees the facility fall further and further away into the distance as his rocket blasts through the atmosphere.

Amongst the blackness of space, Elon breathes a sigh of relief and unfastens himself.

“Computer, make a course for my secret base on Mars…” He sighs, “Perhaps this Schadenfreude Clown wasn’t the best choice to become my champion after all, I’ll need to do some ketamine and rethink things.”

“Right avay, Herr Musk, Ohohohohohoho…”

A distinctly German voice comes from the computer as Elon’s eyes bulge out of his head.

“H-how!?” He stumbles back, “How did you get in here?”

Schadenfreude Clown appears from a small hatch and slips into the rocket in front of Elon with a smile.

“How? Ohohohoho, vhy, Herr Musk? Iz it not obvious?”

The clown looms over Elon as he messes with the navigation settings, plotting a course for Clown City.

“I am very, very gut at ze hiden und seeking…”

Schadenfreude Clown laughs maniacally as Elon cowers.

To be continued...