”I’ve wanted this my *sob* whole… life…”


”WE LOVE PAULA ABDUL!”

”KEVIN FROM THE OFFICE!”

DREAM BIG WITH SPECIAL CELEBRITY GUEST JUDGE: DOM DURANGO

---

”It… we… uh… racecar…” A third-grader holds a microphone…

”Take your time, sweetie!” Paula Abdul soothes him from the judge’s table… ”We’re all rooting for you!”

“Right, folks!?”



”This crowd loves you!” Paula turns to her righthand co-judge. ”Right, Kevin?”

”Actually, my name’s Brian Baumgartner. And while I’m very proud of playing Kevin, I’ve played many parts sin-”

”You’re so funny, Kevin!”

”Well, I’m convinced you deserve your dream!” Paula turns left. ”Right, Dom?”

…

”Dom?”

”Hmm? Sorry, what?”

”...I said, ‘weren’t you thinking that Little Timmy should have his dream come true?’”

”Oh… No, I wasn’t thinking that.”

”Honestly, *I* was thinking about blowing my brains out.”

”CUT!”

”With a shotgun.” Dom mutters as the crew resets their cameras…

”Mister Durango.” Paula leans in. ”Can I ask…? What’s your… approach to today’s shoot?”

”Fulfilling a contractual obligation I accepted before Micheal Graves stole my fing soul with Hell grits.”

”...Hmmm. Mmmm. It’s just… everyone here wants their dreams to come true! And we can help them! Isn’t that exciting?”

…Dom blinks.

”...Well. You’ve voted no on every dreamer today… and said the f-word 37 times.”

“We’ve gotten zero usable footage from you.”

“So… try to get into this next one? Ooooh, maybe you and Kevin could do a chili cook-off or something!”

”His name’s fing Brian.”

”It’s okay, Dom. You don’t hav-”

”Don’t fing talk to me, Kevin.”

---

”Next dreamer!”

A bombshell in a blue-and-white cheerleading skirt and a knee-brace takes the stage!

”Judges! My name is Cyndy! That’s…”

Her arms zip through the air!

”SEE-WHY-EN-DEE-WHY!”

Paula claps delighted.

”Impressive!”

”She spelled her name. A preschooler can do that.”

”Judges… I’ve wanted to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader since I was five, choreographing dance routines with my dolls!”

For TWO decades, Cheerleading’s literally the only thing I feel joy doing!”

…Dom’s eyebrows raise…

“Last year’s tryouts, I reached my first ever Final Selection… then, I tore my…”

”AYE-SEE-EL!”

”Awww, you even cheer-out your story’s sad parts! I’m PEPPED-up!”

”Judges, I don’t want anything I haven’t earned! I want to make my dream reality the right way!”

”I just… can’t afford the surgery for my knee. I’ve been living in my car… travelling from training-camp-to-training-camp…”

“I’ve spent my life chasing this dream… I can’t give up… But, the surgery’s twenty thousand…”

”This might be the DREAM OF THE DAY!”



”Cyndy, I’m pledging twenty-thousand dollars to get your dream up-and-running!”

Cyndy smiles, mouthing ‘thank you, Paula!’

”Can either judge go higher? Let’s make this dream EVEN BIGGER!”

”Fifty-four thousand.”

Dom pulls his microphone closer…

”I’ll give you fifty-four thousand dollars.”

Cyndy looks at Dom… Her eyes are confused but grateful!

”Wow! Thanks, Mister Durango! I love your food!”

”On one condition.”

”Give up your dream.”

”...What?”

”Cyndy, you’ve had this childish fantasy since… you were five? Over two decades? How old are you?”

”...Twenty-six…”

”Fing ancient by cheerleading standards.”

”CUT!”

”Dom, stop cursing!”

”This is a woman’s fing delusions we’re exploiting for entertainment.”

”The bright lights, the crowd cheering... This isn’t real, Cyndy. It’s a bullsht lie to sell products to fat idiots clapping for sob stories from their couch.”

”Cyndy! Ignore him! We’re gonna make your dream come true!”

”Then pay her from your own pocket.”

”...Huh?”

”Instead of a giant novelty network check this poor idiot’ll pay over 50% in taxes on…”

”...Wait? Over Fifty percent…?”

”YOU give her the money. Call your accountant, cover her surgery with cash.”

…Cyndy looks at Paula hopefully.

”Uh… w-well…”

Cyndy’s breath hitches.

”Cyndy. Look at me.”

”I’m your only friend here.  These people… They wanna make themselves appear heroic giving you a pittance… Then, they will NEVER think about you again.”

“How long have you been trying out for the Cowboys?”

”...Since I was… sixteen… they don’t let girls under eighteen try-out, but, I… lied about my age…”

”Cuz you wanted it baaaaaad, right?”

Cyndy nods.

”You had TEN chances. And only LAST YEAR you reached Final Selection?”

”You don’t have it. You won’t make it.”

“Fifty-four thousand dollars. In exchange, you will NEVER cheerlead again.”

”...Cheerleading makes me happy...”

”Do you know any fing 30-year-old cheerleaders, Cyndy? Even if you recover post-surgery and train into shape… you’ve got… what? Two years before you’re a washed-up HAG?”

“The Cowboys’ll throw you out with the trash.”

”...But…What do I do?”

“…Real estate license. Technical school. Something that contributes value to society. Don’t give a shit honestly.”

“But I want to buy your dream from you.”

“You can take network money… After taxes, you’ll have… a third of what you need?”

“Or take my money. And give up the dream that’s killing you.”

---

Brawliepop Barbie.

What a joke.

All that cheering… rhyming… sob story bullshit.

And you lost to me.

ME.

A TV chef.

I didn’t even have to enter the ring to beat you

Prancing, hopping… And putting yourself through a fucking table with that moron Landerson.

You know what’s funny?

You dream so big!

A broken little girl dreaming of becoming a winner!

Decades dedicated to mastering gymnastics, acrobatics… aerial offense…

You switched souls with a squirrel to become a literal superhuman.

And you got beat by a guy that doesn’t give ONE SOLITARY FUCK about wrestling.

…

God, it’s sweet like Mama’s sauce.

Closest I’ve felt to warmth since I lost my soul.

…

First bite’s a taste test.

Second bite’s for savoring.

I won’t let you beat yourself this time.

I’ll peel you in that ring like a banana.

I’ll take those legs that forest wizard blessed with squirrel agility…

And SNAP your knees the wrong way…

‘Til you’re as broken as you were at birth.

I will EAT your DREAM.

What you’ve prayed for since you were a child.

Leaving nothing but your hopelessness.

…

Why?

Fuck you, that’s why.