EDWARD cross grassy clearing toward towering stack of boulders with tiny woman totem perched at very top.

"EDWARD TRAIN FOR GREAT TRIAL! MANY WARRIORS FIGHT! STRONGEST CLIMB TO WOMAN! WOMAN GIVE STRONGEST WARRIOR SHINY!"

EDWARD beat his chest with both fists.

"MATING RITUAL! OHH! OHH! OOH!"

EDWARD point at ape friends.

"APE FRIENDS TRY STOP EDWARD!"

EDWARD began climbing. An ape grabbed onto his ankle. Another jumped onto his back. EDWARD hauled both upward until a familiar voice stopped him dead in his climb.

"WHAT EDWARD DO?"

EDWINA stood below.

"TRAIN."

"WHY EDWARD TRAIN HAVE TITS?"

EDWARD glanced up to the coconut boobs.

"MAKE REAL LIKE."

EDWINA folded her arms.

"WHO WOMAN?"

"KOR VAYNE. WOMAN HAVE TWO SHINY, BUT NO WARRIOR! OLD WARRIOR LEAVE. OTHER WARRIORS TOO BUSY. WOMAN NEED STRONGEST. EDWARD STRONGEST!"

"WHY WOMAN NEED —>EDWARD?"

EDWARD sighed. Explaining obvious things to woman take all day.

"BECAUSE ALL WOMAN NEED STRONG MAN TO PROTECT SHINY!"

EDWINA looked at the straw woman.

Then EDWARD.

"SO, WHO PROTECT EDWARD FROM EDWINA?"

EDWARD looked at his ape friends.

Both let go and disappeared into the bushes.

"BAD APE FRIENDS!"

EDWINA grabbed the bottom boulder.

"WAIT!"

EDWARD scrambled down.

"EDWARD NOT WANT NEW WOMAN! EDWARD WANT SHINY!"

"EDWARD SAY MATING RITUAL!"

"EDWARD WRONG!"

EDWARD pointed toward the distant ocean.

"ACROSS WATER, WOMAN WAIT FOR STRONGEST WARRIOR! EDWARD NOT GO, WOMAN PICK WEAK WARRIOR!"

"GOOD!"

"NOT GOOD! WEAK WARRIOR LOSE SHINY! THEN WOMAN SAD!"

"EDWINA NOT SAD!"

EDWARD scratched his head.

"WOMAN NEED PARTNER WHO NOT RUN WHEN FIGHT HARD! EDWARD DEFEND SHINY WITH ARM TORN BY TIGERS! EDWARD KEEP FIGHT WHEN WHOLE BODY BROKEN!

EDWARD STRONG ENOUGH FIGHT TWO WARRIOR WHEN PARTNER HURT! EDWARD NOT RUN! EDWARD NOT TURN BACK ON PARTNER! WOMAN FALL, EDWARD PICK WOMAN UP! EDWARD FALL, EDWARD GET UP! OTHER WARRIOR ALL WANT SHINY FOR SELF. EDWARD KNOW SHINY BELONG BOTH! KOR VAYNE NEED WARRIOR WHO BESIDE HER!"

"EDWARD NOT NEED MORE SHINY OR NEW WOMAN!"

"EDWARD DO NEED SHINY!"

"WHY?"

EDWARD held up two fingers.

"SHINY SHARED WITH WOMAN. LIVE AS ONE. FIGHT AS ONE. MATE AS—"

EDWINA grabbed one and bent it backward.

"AAAAH! EDWARD NEED THAT!"

"EDWINA NEED EDWARD STOP TALK ABOUT OTHER WOMAN!"

She released him and climbed the tower.

"EDWINA CLIMB? EDWINA UNDERSTAND NOW? EDWARD MUST D—"

She ripped the straw woman's head off.

EDWARD took a step back.

"THAT NOT HOW WORK!"

The head bounced off his chest.

"EDWARD STAY HERE!"

"BUT SHINY—"

A coconut smacked him in the mouth.

EDWARD spat blood along with a tooth into his palm.

Above him, EDWINA held the second coconut threateningly.

"EDWARD HAVE SOMETHING ELSE SAY?"

EDWARD tucked the tooth into his loincloth.

"NO."

In the middle of the night, EDWARD began a long swim to America as EDWINA slept.