INT. X-TREME HALLWAY - DAY

”Awoooooooooooooooooo!” howled a Bat-Cat-Hybrid Ninja, one of dozens infiltrating XWF’s backstage…

”SILENCE.” The Head Ninja hissed in a snakelike batlike catlike batcatlike fashion. ”You’ll alert our prey to our presence…”

”We shall surreptitiously invade this Thursday night program!”

“So surreptitiously, no one shall know who we are!”

“Or even what our general deal is!”

”Awoooooooooooooooooo!” The Bat-Cats howled in agreement!

”WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!?”

”Sup, you ninja-she wannabes!”

The cat-bat-pack spun dramatically toward that heroic voice!

Only one man could stop the certain destruction of the XWF’s A-show!



“Loverboy” Vinnie Lane!

(played by Lionel Pennyfarthing!)

”Ninjas? More like, nin-S’HYEAH RIGHT!”

Behind the camera, the real Vinnie Lane gasped...

”Dawg, he’s SO good!” Vinnie whispered toward his beloved, Roxy Cotton. ”How’d he think of that line?”

”He didn’t, babe. It’s from the script you wrote.”

”...Whoa. EVERYTHING I write in the script comes true?!?”

Roxy raised her Princess Pink Director’s Megaphone…

”Keep going!!”

The Furry Clan’s Head Ninja dramatically curls her fist. ”Stand down, Lane! If you think you can defeat the Bat-Cat Ninja Clan, you’re sick in the head!”

Lane’l towered a half-foot over the Head Ninja. ”The only sickness I have is Cat-Scratch Fever! And the cure is scratching you cats!”

Lane silently mouthed along, weeping with pride.

”Ohmigod, it’s a FIGHT scene! FIGHT! NOW!”

A ninja rushes toward Lane'l, ready to fig-

”Aaaaaaaaaaaand sceeeeeeeeeene!” Lane’l bowed. ”Fetch forth yon stunting-man!”

Lane’l walked off-set.

”Cut!” Roxy furiously tossed her megaphone away…

“A perfect take, no?” Lane'l grinned, pleased with himself.

”You little primadon-”

”Duuuuude!” Lane marveled! ”We’re, like… twinsies, dawg! Wait… Quick! What are we thinking of, right now?”

…Lane'l’s eyes Lane up-and-down.

”The part in Ghostbusters where Dan Aykroyd gets a blowie from a ghost.”

”DUDE!” Lane and Lane'l smacked hands, backed hands, and snapped-into-fingerguns! ”You’re ME!”

Roxy smacked their hands. They both grimaced and blew on their hands, perfectly synchronized.

”This theatre GEEK isn’t MY rock jock! I demanded the Trillionaires appoint me Director, so my Vinnie-kins would get the STAR treatment he deserves!”

”And to achieve this vision, you hath been given a STAR actor!”

”P’shaw! That bitch Mari might’ve hammered your face to look like my Vinnie-poo… but you’re not HIM!”

”Balderdash, harlot!” Lane'l fumed… ”I mean…” He cleared his throat. ”Dude, mega-harsh! I’m radical like Lane!”

”But, you lack STAR POWER!” Roxy rested a hand on Vinnie’s shoulder. ”Charisma!…” Roxy ran her hand across Lane’s chest! ”Sensuality…” Roxy rubbed circles sensually into Vinnie’s chest.

Vinnie purred with a smile…

”Do you think Vinnie used a STUNT DOUBLE to become a two-time Universal champion?”

”Ahaha! You desire a stunt?”

Lane'l performed a…



SOMERSAULT!

…Lane'l bows. ”Fifteen years of stage-ed combat training!”

”Pathetic.”

Roxy affectionately wrapped her hand around Vinnie’s fist…

“This hand smacked the taste from the mouths of Dock AND Trax!”

Roxy took Lane'l’s left hand…

”UGH! Like a dead fish… that hand couldn’t hurt ANYBODY! You’re NOT my Sweetums!”

”P’SHAW, woman! I am playing a DRAMATIZATION of Vincent Lane! In an OBVIOUS exaggeration of his life!”

”Exaggeration? So this script didn’t happen? I didn’t discover the secret to cold fusion was being yourself? Who did?”

”DOESN’T MATTER. You’re a sissy who can’t fight! You’re not Vinnie enough for MY Vinnie movie! You’re FIRED! Byeeeeeeee!”

”Madam, I think naught!”

Lane'l retrieved from his skin-tight 80s pants…

A contract!

”I earned this contract after defeating Betsy Granger and that half-wit chef! A STARRING role in the Vinnie Lane biopic! IRONCLAD as Jacob Marley’s chains!”

Lionel smugly smacked the page…

”…Owie.”

“…Did you just lose a fight with your contract?”

“Correction! I won a fight with YOU! Clause 69, so long as Lionel Pennyfarthing is medically available, he SHALL play Vincent Lane!”

“…Medically available, huh?”

A sinister smile spread across Roxy’s face.

“Ax’ly… I *just* figured how to fix this production!” Roxy dragged the Head Ninja by her cat ears toward Roxy’s dressing room, “Starting by giving this kitty a performance note…”

…Roxy smiled sweetly. “Vinnie, I have… lady troubles. Could you call action for lil’ ol’ me?”

“Whoa! You want me to direct? Hells-to-the-yeah!”

---

Minutes later, the Head Ninja stands eye-to-eye with Lane'l.

“…Was the director’s note to be… taller?”

Vinnie lifted the megaphone.

“Action-a-go-go, yo!”

“I’ve got cat-scratch FEVER! And the only prescr—”

WHAM! The Head Ninja punched Lane’l in the gut!

Lane’l doubled over...

“*wheeeeeeeeze*…Cut?”

”Faceless extras!” The Head Ninja called backwards…
“First bat-kitty to maim this moron gets a SAG membership!”

Immediately, the ninjas swarmed!

One snatched his wig!

Another drove a knee into his face.

“I get my ass kicked in this scene?” Vinnie skimmed the script… “Wait! Does that mean I get my ass kicked in real life?!?”

Lane desperately scratched out the script...

Lane’l stumbled backwards down the X-treme hallway.

“Gentle…bat-cats? Let us remember that stage combat is a sacred trust.”

The ninjas hissed!

“Eeeep!”

Lane’l exited, pursued by ninjas.

Lane’l ran up to…

A door, with a crooked star affixed to it.

“My trailer!”

But the sign didn’t read ‘Lionel Pennyfarthing’.

It read:

X-TREME CLOSET DO NOT OPEN … SERIOUSLY!

Lane’l dove inside, slamming it shut behind him.

Darkness.

“…Sweet safety…”

"Vincent?"

“...Hello?”

Something moved in the shadows.

"WAS IT YOU!?"

“…E-E-Excuse me?”

"WHO PUT THE MIRROR IN MY CEREAL!? I SAW MY REFLECTION STARING BACK FROM THE MILK!"

”AND HE”

“WAS”

“GRINNIN’!”

Before Lane’l could respond, the door swung open! Ninjas flooded through the doorway!

“Uh… Yonder ho! Whiskered vandals of breakfast treachery!”

A dirty hand pointed accusatorily at the ninjas.

”WHICH OF YOU HOES IS ‘YONDER’?!?”

“...All of them! Collectively!”

That moment…

Michael Graves emerged.

Not Micheal Graves.

Michael Graves.

The discount Dark Warrior.

Michael looked at Lane’l.

”Vincent?”

“...A dramatization of him?”

Michael squinted at Lane’l’s swollen cheek and crooked wig.

”You got taller in the hair.”

One bat-cat charged!

WHAM! Michael no-look throat-punched her.

She grasped her larynx, dropping to the floor.

Another ninja rushed, but Michael SLAMMED her face into the wall.

”These cereal terrorists bothering you?”

“YES!”

”If I hurt them… I’ll be free?”

“…As my character would say… TOTES!”

Michael Graves exploded forward!

He shoulder-blocked one ninja, driving her into two more.

From behind, a bat-cat’s claws raked down Graves’ back!

“FREEDOOOOOM!”

WHAM! Michael caught her with a wicked spinning elbow that dropped her like yesterday’s garbage!

“Yes, give them what-for!”

Unfortunately, Graves had battled too deep into the clan! They surrounded him!

One ninja jumped on his back. Another swept his legs!

“Not THAT kind of what-for!”

The ninjas dogpiled Graves!

”Oh man! Those ninjas don’t know about Gravy’s healing factor! He’s about to pop-up like nothing!”

…

”Any second now!”

…The ninjas part.

Michael was beaten, bruised, and totally gassed.

“…So, movie me can’t fight and movie Gravy can’t heal? Who casted this?”

The ninjas spun toward Lane’l…

Lane’l gulped…

”Madams, if this is some… animal-based protest? Perhaps it wouldst sway your hearts that I once played Horse #3 in an off-Broadway production of Animal Farm.”

The Head Ninja removed her mask to reveal…

ROXY COTTON!

“Oh SNAP! I love twists!”

…

“Wait, no, I love Twister.”

“Last chance, geek. We beat you to death… OR you give up the starring role.”

“I’ll even compromise. You can play… like… a background guy?”

“...Background… extra?”

“Bingo.”

…Lane’l’s eyebrows furrowed…

With…

FURY!

“Tis mobler to die center-stage than live in the periphery.”

“That’s theatre dork for ‘pass’?”

Roxy snapped her fingers.

The ninjas advanced rapidly!

“Belay! Wouldst thou deny an actor his dying monologue?”

“…Ugh, make it snappy, Slappy.”

”I hath played many roles… Urchin, Debtor, Wastrel… But my greatest performance? Micheal Graves!”

“Pffff. Not good enough to beat him!”

“Indeed. However, after countless hours researching the role… I know one certain thing about Graves…”

“And that is?”

”Healing factor or no….”

“Graves never stays down.”

Behind them, Michael Graves.

Gaping face-wound.

Lip split.

Still, he stood.

“I DIDN’T HEAR NO BREAKFAST BELL.”

Roxy scoffed. “Should’ve stayed down. Get ‘im, girls.”

The ninjas moved to surround him!

“Graves! Maketh thy last stand true!”

”...Wut?”

”...GO DOWN THE HALL SO THEY CAN’T SURROUND YOU!”

…Graves backed into the narrow hall!

The ninjas advanced shoulder-to-shoulder, unable to dogpile from behind!

“Oh shit! I’m even a great director in the movie!”

Three ninjas rushed Michael.

”Left!”

Michael swung right, whiffing.

”…Other left!”

WHAM! Spinning backhand into a ninja's face.

Another ninja leapt onto Graves, clawing wildly!

”There’s a wall to your… er, left!”

Michael ran RIGHT, pancaking the ninja!

The bat-cats laid defeated!

”Did I wall good?”

”Magnificently! An-”

FWOOSH! From behind, Roxy trapped Lane’l in a rear-naked choke!

“I toldja that pathetic hand couldn’t hurt anybody! You’ll never be MY Vincent!”

“You… *cough*... underestimate the art of…”

“STAGE COMBAT!”

Lane’l…



SOMERSAULTED OUTTA ROXY’S HOLD!

”Whoa!”

Roxy Cotton looked down at her empty hands!

”...Okay… NOW you die so no one knows YOU escaped MY submission…”

Lane’l balled his fist in terror!

”Vincent, I’m borrowing this.”

Graves grabbed Lane’l’s fist…

Roxy lurched forward…

CRACK! Graves punched with Lane’l’s hand!

Roxy’s jaw snapped sideways! She drops!

“YE GODS!” Lane’l sucked his fist!

“Good Hands—learn to use ‘em.”

Lane’l’s eyes sparked… Pain seared through his hand, but he also felt...

Pride.

”DUDES! That was INCREDIBALLS-TO-THE-WALL, YO!”

…

”…Buuuut I left the camera cap on. Go again!”

---

”XWF! The Cock ‘n Guac Connection’s here to beat the Blue Brand black n’ blue!”

”Thursday night’s alright for fighting.”

”Don’t adjust your screens. I ain’t OG Vinnie and he’s Michael spelled correctly.”

”Often imitated, even better than if duplicated.”

”Naw, dawg. You’re no Graves imitation. I should know, I imitated Gravy…”

“This is Graves with stakes. Vulnerability. Graves with a living, beating heart and at least one missing tooth.”

Gravy spits out a tooth.

”A Gravy with ZERO quit. Not because he’s invulnerable, but because he’d rather be broken than lose.”

“Compare Vita Valenteen. Last time we saw her, she was questing to find the real Gravy.”

”Whatever that means.”

”She swore she’d NEVER rest… until she uncovered the impostor Gravy…”

“…Then, Gravy kicked her ass and Little Miss Vampy disappeared like the sun rose on her flat ass!”

“She may be immortal but she ain’t invulnerable!”

“One setback? And she’s down for an eternal rest!”

”Hitting the snooze button on her next half-conceived return…”

”Now, the big threat is Miss Furry. She beat Oz, Myst, Cent…”

“But, what did those fools do wrong?”

“They spent their whole promo attacking Miss FURY.”

”Swinging at ghosts.”

”Miss Furry’s benefited from being unexamined.”

“Underestimated.”

“That’s her game. Delving into all the ways her opponent will overlook her.”

“But, chica? You’re facing Lane’l Pennyfarthing.”

“I’ve watched you since we were both students of Gravy.”

“I’ve seen your little stick-figure doodles on your trapper-keeper, dreaming of stardom.”

“Preening your little whiskers as an imaginary crowd chants your name…”

“I know you better than you know yourself.”

“You achieved your dream.”

“But, you’re still afraid to step into the light.”

“Your promos don’t detail how you’ll dominate.”

“Only counting on your opponent to leave you an opening.”

“That’s your mental weakness.”

“You lurk in the dark cuz you’re afraid of the spotlight.”

“You don’t control the scene. You’re praying your opponent makes a mistake.”

“You’re don’t risk it for the biscuit…”

“You just hope your opponent leaves you crumbs.”

“You’re not facing delusional FOOLS like Oz or Myst.”

“Primadonnas who bask in the main event frequently.”

“Instead.”

“You’re facing two constantly overlooked dudes.”

“Who see YOU.”

“Not Miss Furry.”

“YOU.”

“As the obstacle to what we deserve.”

“I refuse to be a background extra any longer.”

“And I’m not afraid of the spotlight like you, Furball.”

“To be a STAR in this business?”

Lane’l squeezes his fist tight.

“You gotta FIGHT for the part.”

“You two’re getting exposed by two so-called impostors…”

“No way, Jose. We ain’t Vinnie and Gravy, but we’re the real deal, yo.”

“We’re infecting the XWF like a virus.”

“Giving Vita and Furry a taste of…”