Lane’l Pennyfarthing blows through a curtain, air-guitaring toward a press conference table.
A banner hangs…
LOVERBOY: THE VINNIE LANE STORY
”Press peeps and amigos with award-season-voting-power…”
“YOU READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOCK?!?”
Many overlapping questions!
”Wow! Y’all are jazz-oohed through the wazoo, huh? We’ll start with… Sayors, my hombre!”
”Mister Pennyfarthing. You’re facing legendary slap-fighter Kentucky Taggart in a Power Slap Fight…”
”Totes! Part of my movie promotion obligations is WRASSLIN’! I’m proud to be Lane and get insane!”
”On the topic of insanity… Are you insane?”
”...Perdón?”
”Sorry, I’ll rephrase. Are you aware that Tuck smacked the taste from a man’s mouth?”
”Haha, fun idiom, Steve, bu-”
”Not an idiom. He smacked a man so hard, he can no longer taste.”
”...Well. Maybe that guy’s chin was SAAAWFT, yo! I got my Vinnie-like face by gettin’ hammered! WITH HAMMERS!”
”And are you aware Tuck constructed his bar exclusively with smacks because he claimed… Hammers are for carpetbaggers?”
”...Let’s give someone else a turn, Steve-oh. You!”
”XWF Legal Department. Post-mortem, would you like to donate your facial remains to smack-based science?”
”Yooooo! I’ve smacked down many clowns! Oz! Furry! Y’all think I can’t eat a Kentucky-fried smack snack!?!”
The journalists huddle…
…
They turn back.
”No, we don’t.”
…
”...Gulp.”
”…shit!”
Inside Lane’l’s dressing room, he’s shoving wigs and costumes into a duffel bag!
”Okay… just gotta… steal the reels, finish the movie under an assumed name in… Mexico?”
…He eyes his dressing room mirror.
”...Wait. Does Mexico have Oscars?”
”Totes. They’re called the Ignacios. Not to beso-and-dice, but one Ignacios, I got a trabajo de mano from Gloria Estefan.”
Lane’l’s reflection winks.
…Lane’l blinks.
”…Shit, did I go too method and do whippets again?”
”L-man! It’s me, Vinnie! Why you packin’? Our destination is POWERSLAP CITY!”
”DUDE! Kentucky will smack my skull to SHARDS!”
”YOU wanted this part, yo! Wanna play Loverboy? It ain’t all guns ‘n roses! Welcome to the Jungle!”
”Getting smacked around IS the Loverboy experience! I’ve been hit with chairs, electrocuted, lobotomized… I even got #MeToo’d!”
”...Hence why the film ends in 2020 with a title card reading ‘AND NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED TO VINNIE’.”
”I ate smacks and made fat stacks! Without those smacks, could I have become Uni champ? Entered the Hall of Legends?”
”...True…”
”Could I have crossed the Delaware to stop the Germans from trapping Cherie in an empty refrigerator?”
” ...ex-squeeze me?”
”My girl Punky was there!”
Vinnie nods toward the corner.
”Right, Punky?”
…The corner’s empty.
”Haha, Punky, that’s not how you pronounce ‘macaroni’!”
”...My imaginary friend has an imaginary friend… and a concussion history.”
”Dawg, you GOTTA beat this Tuck dork! For freedom!”
”...Freedom?”
”Tuck’s a bouncer, dude! Bouncers are, like… concert cops! Smackin’ down the people’s right to a good time! Tommy Jefferson wrote that into the Constitution between giving Betsy Ross stripes and leaving her seeing stars! America, yo!”
”Vinnie, I’m British.”
”Britain’s just Original Recipe America! Somewhere in you is a right hand begging to smack any fool telling him to turn it down!”
”Turn it down? Sounds like the reviews of my one-man show… Referring to both my acting AND my microphone…”
”Dawg! Critics are … art cops! Blasting sirens when you’re flowin’ down Creativity Boulevard! Is art made by coloring inside lines?”
”NAY, SIR! Art is WROUGHT from delving into humanity’s darkest pits, wrenching out something REAL.”
”That’s ROCK!”
”...Rock?”
”That voice tellin’ you to crank that ten-dial volume to THIRTEEN! When squares say turn it down, you introduce them to FIVE FINGERS!”
”C’mon, we got smacks to dish out.”
…
”Do I… take the mirror with me?”
TRASH TALK MUSIC VIDEO!
Lane’l emerges onto a stage before a packed arena!
A buff dude with ‘BOUNCER’ across his t-sirt smacks attendees, ordering them to quiet down!
”Gotta start the SHOW!”
“Ladies scream my name, but a dork in the crowd tells ‘em...”
“NO!”
(NO!)
“WhoaWhoa-WhoaWhoa-Whooooooooooooa!!”
The Bouncer orders hotties not to dance!
One babe raises a ‘LOVERBOY’ sign... The Bouncer SMACKS it from her hands!
”Feel that buuuuuurnin’ rage!”
“You’re smackin’ ‘round the people, puttin’ all my fans in a…”
“CAGE!”
(CAGE)
“That! Ain’t! ROOOOOOOOOCK!”
Lane’l storms toward him!
”Think you’re badass, Tuck?”
“You’re a dweeb, killin’ the parteeeeeeeeee!”
“These people wanna ROCK! You SHUT! THAT! DOWN!?!?”
“Man, you’re a COP!”
(THWOP)
RIGHT-HAND SLAP!
The Bouncer spins twice!
The people scream in celebration!
The Bouncer goes to Suh-MACK Lane’l!
…Lane’l’s face barely moves!
”Ya hit like a COP!”
(THWOP)
Open-hand LEFT!
The Bouncer’s been BOUNCED!!
Later, the Bouncer’s at home…
He’s on an XWF message board… talking shit about Anarchy?!?
”And I goooooooooootta say!”
“Tuck’s stalking Oz, challenging that punk to slap-fights, that’s…”
“LAME!”
(LAME!)
“LameLame-LameLame-LAAAAAAAAAME!”
He web-surfs to IMDB!
Lane’l’s movie has a perfect rating!
”Wanna hunt, ‘Tough Guy’?”
“You’re shooting fish inside a barrel, TELL! ME!…”
“WHY?”
(WHY!)
“Gettin’ kinda saaaaaaaaaaad.”
He sneers jealously, scrolling through rave reviews!
”You got the stuff to swing at tougher folks, Kentuckiiiiiiiiie.”
“You’d rather pick on chumps? You TO-TAL CREEP!”
He spitefully clicks ONE-Star!
Lane’l BURSTS through the wall!
”You’re such a COP!”
(THWOP)
DOUBLE-HAND SMACK!
The Bouncer’s skull slams THROUGH his monitor!
SPARKS FLY!
”Gonna make you DROP!”
(THWOP)
Lane’l SMACKS the monitor’s side! It explodes into circuits! The Bouncer FLOPS prone!
”Use your face like a… MOP!”
(THWOP)
Lane’l SMACKS the prone fool, sending him face-first across the floor!
GUITAR SOLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
An officer writes Lane’l a noise citation.
”COP!”
SMACKED!
A librarian fines him $0.15.
”COP!”
SMACKED!
A buffet sign reads ‘One Plate Per Customer’...
”COP!”
SMACKED!
”We’re DONE! WITH! COPS!”
Someone turns down Lane’l’s music…
”COP!”
SMACKED!
An editor trims an unnecessary scene in Lane’l’s movie…
”COP!”
SMACKED!
Elon Musk informs Lane’l he can’t say anti-police rhetoric!
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