OUTSIDE THE ANARCHY BULLETIN BOARD

Gene Branagh, Sir Lionel’s faithful agent, taps his foot, checking his watch huffily.

”When’s this card dropping already…”

Suddenly, his pocket chirps!

Branagh takes a deep breath and raises the phone to his ear!

”...Hello? Yes! Listen, I heard you’re looking for talent for a project… Branagh Talent is fortunate enough to have a diamond in the rough among its vast library of stars! Incredibly underrated! For a bargain pri-”

…

”What?!? I’m NOT trying to trick you into hiring Sir Lionel Pennyfarthing!”

…

”Well, I actually have.. an Adam driver on my rolodex…”

…

”*sigh* No, not THE Adam Driver, but he’s an Uber driver that exclusively chauffeurs Adams. Anyway, you mentioned Sir Lionel Pennyfarthing? Would you believe his schedule is op-”

…

”No, listen! Listen to me! Yes, Lionel had a… box office slump. Lionel’s still a legitimate actor. He can play ANY role!”

…

”Well, any role that calls for a British accent and lets him sit a lot but… Hello? Hello?”

Gene checks his phone screen. Call ended.

”FUCK.” Gene slides his phone into his pocket…

”When’s this stupid card dropping alrea-” Gene spins around.

…The Card for the upcoming Anarchy! It’s up!

Branagh zips forward, pulling the card off the board!

…

”*sigh* Goddammit.”

---

Branagh paces outside Sir Lionel’s dressing room… He’s referencing a script he’s written…

”Okay, listen, L…” Branagh practices… ”You’re wrestling Safari Stu. This is your ONE chance to win a match!”

”Now, yes, he’s younger than you!”

“He’s in better shape than you!”

“He’s more handsome and charming than you!”

“But, you’re forgetting something! The most important thing! And that’s…”

…

Gene squints at the page.

…He turns it over.

…

Nope. Blank. That’s all he’d written.

WHAM! Gene grits his teeth! A clatter of metal and noise inside the dressing room!

Gene throws the door open!

”Lionel, what happened”?

Lioenl frisbees a metal tray of finger sandwiches (as demanded in his rider) across the room!

”IT’S A TRAVESTY, EUGENE! A SICK JOKE! HOW DARE THEY DO THIS TO ME!” Lionel seethes!

”...You already heard? Look.” Gene raises his hands! ”I get you’re upset! But, if you make the most of this opportunity… Maybe you’ll start getting better opponents!”

…Lionel’s eyebrow raises. ”Opponent?”

”...Yeah. Isn’t that what you’re mad about? You’re booked against Safari Stu? The second-biggest joke on Anarchy?”

…

”Besides you…”

”Pardon?”

”Nothing.”

”No, Eugene! I’m FURIOUS about…” Lionel points to a piece of parchment on his desk with revulsion and disgust! ”This!” Lionel swats the page towards his agent…

Gene swipes it from the air, pulling it to his face…

”We regret to inform you that…

“Unfortunately, we cannot cast you for the role of… Jellyfish in our production of Finding Nemo the Musical?”

…

”You auditioned to play a… jellyfish?”

”THE ULTIMATE ACTING CHALLENGE! A CREATURE WITHOUT A FACE! WITHOUT HANDS! WITHOUT BONES! BROUGHT TO LIFE BY PURE ACTING TALENT!”

---

TRASHING-TALK

Sir Lionel forward-rolls onto the stage in a Safari hat and khaki suit.

”SAFARI STU! SAFARI STU!”

“I detest no man more than you!”

”Wait!”

Gene wanders onto the stage, holding Sir Lionel’s script!

”Why the hell would you hate Safari Stu? He just wants to be the best hunter!”

”Half-witted buffoon! He could never be the greatest hunter!”

”...Why?”

”Because the greatest hunters are ACTOOOOOOOOOOORS!”

”Safari Stu captures creatures by murdering them! An act that requires the same skill level as a child with a magnifying glass burning ants! Or some future Jeffrey Dahmer strangling tapirs!”

”...Strangling tapirs?”

”You know the true way to capture an animal? THROUGH ACTING!”

”I’ve captured a hummingbird taking wing as the first flower blooms on a spring in Augusta, Georgia!”

“I’ve caged the stern yet playful expression of the runt of a marmoset monkey litter! In my HUMAN FACE!”

“This Safari STOOGE mocks the art of capturing the SOUL of a living creature!”

“Its hopes! Its fears! Its aspirations! How DARE he call himself a hunter! When I, Sir Lionel Pennyfarthing, hunt for the most noble thing an artist can create!

“THE TRUTH!”

“The truth is this, Safari FOOL!”

“You may wrap your arms around a crocodile! But you’ll never recreate its noble paddle, nor the way it stalks its prey…”

“I? On Anarchy? Shall swim through the ring, like the great hunter of the Amazon River…”

“Laying in wait until just the right moment…”

“TO CLAMP DOWN ON YOUR SKULL AND CRUSH IN IT IN MY MIGHTY JAW!”

SCENE

---

LOCAL THEATRE

A Director in a striped shirt flips through a script…

”Okay… Places everyone…”

WHAM! Sir Lionel bursts through the door! Gene following him!

”I DEMAND A SECOND AUDITION!”

Lionel charges, scampering onto the stage!

”Who th-... oh!” The Director’s face contorts into recognition! ”You’re the guy whose audition was… two hours long?”

”YES! I will play your jellyfish!”

”You bobbed up-and-down for two hours and then the tape stopped itself?”

”JELLYFISH CAN’T HIT STOP BUTTONS! VERISIMILITUDE, YOU IGNORAMUS!”

”Look…” Gene clears his throat, walking toward the Director. ”I know my star has an… attitude… But when he wants to prove something, you’re going to get an AMAZING performance!”

”...I dunno. It’s ju-”

FLUMP! Gene and the director spin around!, horrified!

”Oh God! Is that an actual jellyfish? Get it off the stage! Call animal control!”

”L, what the fuck? Where did you ge-”

ZIP!

”Twas I!” Sir Lionel de-contorts his body, scampering back to his feet! ”A convincing jellyfish, was I not?”

…The Director rubs his eyes.

”...How di-? What…?”

Branagh’s eyes widen! ”L, you looked exactly like a jellyfish!”

”YEARS OF PRACTICE! AND I HAD MY SPINE SURGICALLY REMOVED FOR THIS!”

The Director scratches his head.

”I mean… That’s the most impressive acting I’ve ever seen…”

”I accept the role!”

”But you still can’t be in this show…”

”WHAT?!? Why?”

”...This is an elementary school play.”

…Gene looks to the wings beside the stage. Many  first and second graders dressed in cardboard costumes.

”I COULD PLAY A CHILD!”