A lengthy line has formed outside Chicago’s Goodman Theatre!

Chicagoans purchase tickets for…

THE TRUE MISTER OZ STORY!

…

(Unauthorized by Oswald Autem Sephtis)

Eventually, Chicago’s art-lovers find their seats… Just as the theatre lights dim…

”Hail Chicago!”

Curtains part… A man dressed in thespian garb crosses center-stage.

”I, Sir Lionel Pennyfarthing! Writer! Director! And STAR of tonight’s prrrrrrrroduction! Wi-”

”Bring out Oz!”

Raucous cheers!

…Sir Lionel’s brow twitches.

”Oz? …Of the House Mister?”

”BIG MONEY!”

”CHICAGO’S RENAISSANCE MAN!”

OZ! OZ! OZ! The Chicagoans chant!

…Sir Lionel’s expression darkens…

He draws his face down… The spotlight contrasts his visage with a veneer of villainy…

”...You wish to see Oz?”

Pennyfarthing’s  masterful control of the stage silences the chant amongst this fetid, taste-deprived rabble.

”The REAL MISTER OZ?!?”

…

Lionel bows deeply…

”I shan't withhold from the viewing public their hearts’ desires. Tonight, you ALL shall see Mister Oz…”

“For EXACTLY what he is.”

---

VIGNETTE #1: Cold Pickles

Sir Lionel ‘Oz’... donning an unsettlingly accurate Oz pornstache and hauntingly wide-eyed gaze… crosses the stage.

The crowd immediately rains boos down on Faux Oz…

”These people don’t deserve me…”

…The impression steals the air from the lungs of the displeased crowd… That’s not *just* an accurate Chicago accent. That’s Oz incarnate! As if his soul had possessed Pennyfarthing’s body!

"They need me."

Two stagehands emerge… One carrying a pickle jar.

The other wields a receipt, demonstrating it was recently purchased unopened! No tricks here, folks!

…The stagehands present the jar to “Oz”…

“Oz” gazes upon this jar as if it was destiny itself…

"These people don't understand what they need of me."

…HRGH! His hands surge, waging life-or-death battle against the jar’s ironclad lid’s ridges…

His teeth grit, his fingers' flesh stinging… STINGING! … from the sharp, gnarled lugs of the jar!

Labyrinthine, like a Gordian knot made of enigmas made of paradoxes made of riddles where the doctor can’t operate on this boy, he’s his son, but wait! The Doctor is his MOM!

“Oz”’s digits’ holy quest: To free this container’s pickly contents like Oz freed Chicago from its corrupt billionaire overlords!

…Then… y’know… replaced those overlords with himself… a corrupt billionaire overlord.

His jaw clenched… determined to deter the demurrers who would detour his deterrence of their deferred divergence from those who spurred spurns of he!

Him!

Chicago’s Mister Burns…

“These people don’t need what they understand of me.”

FWOOP! After the mightiest pull ‘Oz’ can muster, a loud pop fills the theatre!

A gasp falls over the crowd!

…As ‘Oz’  lifts…

…

His broken arm.

‘Oz’’s jar-opening efforts popped his elbow out of place.

The crowd’s simultaneously furious and disgusted at this body horror!

---

Chicagoans exit furiously as the next scene begins…

VIGNETTE #2: Lukewarm Deals

The stage resembles a law office… At his desk, Lionel an Attorney taps his bluetooth, looking perplexed…

”Sorry, Mister Oz, I must be having connection issues… Did you say you made these businessmen… Sign over their companies… At gunpoint?”

…

”I heard you correctly?”

…Attorney adjusts his tie looser.

”I see.” Attorney loops his tie around his hand…

”What’s that?”

”...WHEN can you assume control of these companies?”

…

”...Likely never, sir.”

…

”Well, you see… There’s a legal doctrine called duress…” Attorney  crosses toward his office-window. ”And… long story short: You can’t make someone sign a contract at gunpoint.”

…

”What’s that? They actually *sought* you controlling their companies because you’re so good at business?”

…

”Right, okay…” Attorney plants his hand against the office-window. ”So… One, I doubt your business aptitude… you believed a contract signed at gunpoint would be enforceable.”

“Two… If they would have given you their companies regardless… WHY hold them at gunpoint?”

…

”…Twas badass?”

“…I see. May I put you on hold?”

*click*

Attorney looks at the tie tied around his fist…

…KERASH! He punches out the office window…

And jumps out.

---

VIGNETTE #3: Hot Air

‘Oz’ emerges again…

The theatre is empty… Lionel’s walked the whole crowd…

…Lionel sits onstage.

"You people need a savior.”

“CHICAGO needs a savior.”

“Chicago. A feckless sea of sycophants.”

“You protest one fascist while begging to suckle at another’s barren teat.”

“Worshipping the unelected Dictator-Billionaire running your city like his own Monopoly boardgame.”

“Buying everyone he can and robbing those he can’t at gunpoint.”

“Hypocrites.” Lionel hisses.

“Oswald.”

“You claim I have no past.”

“But I have, in the past… humiliated and degraded myself.”

“Crawled through trenches of dreck! Figurative AND literal!”

“Been booed mercilessly through it all.”

“I am an ACTORRRRRRRRRRRR.”

“My past is… One without triumph. Rife with failure and disappointment.”

…

“And yet.”

“AND YET.”

“Week in and week out, I apply concealer to hide my wrinkles.”

“Iron my finest tumbling tights.”

“And perrrrrrrform!”

“No part too small.”

“No stage too hostile.”

“Shakespeare in the park? I’d fucking read Polonius’ soliloquy in an active warzone.”

…

“And here you are.”

“SHITTING ON THE STAGE!”

“You had the opportunity to PERFORM!”

“At March Madness! One year from whence I had my best performance to-date in the King’s Tourney!”

…

“And you have the GALL! To REFUSE?!?”

“To declare yourself bigger than the stage?”

“It reviles my performer’s heart to its core….”

…

“We met once in this theatre-in-the-round they call the wrestling ring.”

“I heard the swell of the crowd! The electricity”

“I leapt to deliver my monologue!”

…

“You struck me down.”

“Took from me the one thing I value in this world.”

“A performance.”

“And in return?”

“I will take…”

“EVERYTHING from you.”

“I’ve taken the stage in your precious hometown…”

“Humiliated you. Laid you bare in the theatre… Where truth is born.”

“Now? My tour moves unto Anarchy.”

“Your self-described A-Show.”

“Where I’ll deliver the performance.”

“OF A LIFETIME!”

“But rather than monologue…”

“My performance will be the purest art.”

“The truth.”

“And the truth I shall lay bare.”

“Is you.”

“Are.”

“Nothing.”

“A small, insignificant cretin.”

“Claiming to be a monster…”

“When you’re an even bigger joke than I am.”