REC in the screen’s top left corner.
”Greetings, tastemakers AND industry big-whigs! I a-”
”Lionel, as your agent, this is… NOT a good idea.”
”On SO MANY LEVELS!”
”EUGENE! Thou hast RUINED my audition tape! BEGIN AGAIN!”
”Salutations, producers and casting director of the Untitled Micheal Graves biopic! I! Sir Lionel Penn-“
”It’s not a biopic, L! It’s a match! This is supposed to be a promo!”
”TWICE DAMN YOU, EUGENE! Of course it’s a promo! I invoke the spirit to Dionysus, GOD of the Theatre, to promote my ACTING TALENT!”
”But, L, y-“
”PLACES, EVERYONE!”
”…By ‘everyone’, do you mean ‘yourself’?”
”EUGENE!”
”I’m just saying, L! You got your jaw de-wired YESTERDAY! That oiled-up nurse said you needed to take it easy!”
”Wouldst thou tell Michelangelo to take it easy whilst he stood before the blank canvas that wouldst becometh the Sistine Chapel?!?”
”If he had two dislocated vertebrae? Yes!”
”PLACES!”
…
”AHEM!”
”…Sigh…”
The sound of rusted wheels…
As Lionel’s agent, Gene Branagh slowly wheels Lionel center stage.
While Pennyfarthing’s jaw has been unwired, he remains strapped, immobile, in a gurney-on-wheels.
”Witness my transformation as…”
…Lionel exhales, exasperated!
”COSTUME DEPARTMENT!”
”…Ugh.”
Gene kicks a box beside Lionel’s gurney.
”Now. Behold my metamorphosis as I BECOME ANOTHER! AS I EMBODY MICHEAL GRAVES!”
”Lionel, all that’s in that box is Spirit Halloween feather boas and a William Shatner mask! There’s no WAY you c-“
KNOCK-KNOCK!
”Answer it, Eugene! Perhaps that casting director wishes to witness my audition!”
…Gene walks to the door, opening it to reveal…
“Always Composed” Pete Rose!
”Hey, Pete. Whaddya want?”
”Well…” Pete enters with his corded microphone in hand…
”Normally, Your client’s just a boring kind of fucked before a match… But now, he’s got to be even Gravier than Gravy! He’s more fucked than usual! AND at a thing he cares about! Acting!”
”So, y’know… figured I’d interview him being devastated.”
”Ugh, I wish…” Gene sighs.
”Actually maybe you can talk some sense into him as to why he should cancel… He wants to act, but he can’t move anything but his eyes and mouth!”
”Still?!!”
”L! Rose wants t-“
Gene turns around…
…The costume box is open… But Lionel’s gone?
”…What the…? Pete, he was just here!” Gene scratches his scalp.
”He can’t have gotten far.”
”Nope… in fact…HE’S TRANSFORMED BEFORE YOUR EYES!”
‘Rose’ rips off his face! It’s Sir Lionel!
”YOU JUST GOT PENNYFARTHING’D”
”Lionel! You…” Gene rubs his eyes!
”You can walk?!?”
”Of course not, Eugene! Behold me!”
Gene looks down… somehow… Lionel’s still in his gurney?
”Wait. But… you just walked in? As Rose! I saw you!”
”Acting is all in the eyes! I simply conveyed into your mind the look that I was walking!”
l…That makes no sense!”
”Post-production!”
”Even less sense!” Gene spins around.
”How’d you even get from there to h-“
Gene spins back.
Lionel’s gone.
”…Lionel?”
In the hall, Steve Sayors holds a microphone up to Micheal Graves’ mouth… Graves chews on a chicken bone…
”So there I am… throwing a back-alley bum-fight. I’m about to take the dive… when I spot this hot Kentucky-fried chicky… she’s a Hobo-Town 6, and I’m hankering for a six-piece…”
Gravy sucks off the bone-juice.
”And I realize this chick aint gonna put out to the LOSER of this bum-fight… so I bite off this guy’s nose… look at her, spit the nose out and say…”
Graves wriggles his eyebrows seductively.
”Your dumpster? Or mine?”
Gravy full-on bites the bone. It loudly crunches in his teeth.
”Anyway, she never showed up, but I found a KFC family meal! Only mostly eaten.”
Gravy licks his fingers.
”Did that answer your question?”
”I didn’t ask you anything!”
From stage right, Gene bursts in.
”Sorry, either of you see Lionel?”
”…Isn’t he a quadraplegic? How’d you lose him?!?”
”I lost a quadriplegic once. I let him off the leash to tinkle an-“
”Stop talking! Hearing you feels like a crime!”
”He’s run off! He’s trying to prove he can be… Micheal Graves…”
…Gene eyes Graves…
”…I don’t swing that way, frou-frou… Well, unless you’ve got boot chili…”
”…Lionel, is that you?”
Gene examines Graves closely.
”Really good! Almost believable!”
”Almost b-“ Sayors gasps.
”You mean…THAT I’M SIR LIONEL!”
‘Sayors’ unmasks! Lionel!
”PENNYFARTHING’D!”
”Lionel?!? But… if you’re Sayors… then Graves is…”
Graves picks his nose with the half-bone.
“Mmmm, tastes even better in the Schnoz…”
”…Actually Gravy?”
Graves
RIPS
HIS FACE OFF!
LIONEL AGAIN!
“DOUBLE PENNYFARTHING’D!”
“HOW?!?” Gene spins back between Sayors Lionel and Gravy Lionel.
”Mirrors… And the eyes!”
”WHAT?!?”
| PRESENTED FOR YOUR CASTING CONSIDERATION |
Graves in a dingy back room, sucking on a chicken bone…
”Like looking in a mirror, huh, dummy?”
Graves swallows the chicken bone whole…
”You think you can just waltz into my litter box and take a big me-shaped shit, FAKER!”
”You think just cuz you were born Graves, that makes you more Gravy?”
“You fucking skid mark in Papa Gravy’s underoos… I’m so fucking Gravy, your own mother wishes she aborted ME.”
“YOU’RE Imitation Gravy… And I know what you’re thinking, Mike. This guy’s good, but he ain’t more me than me!”
“Listen dummy."
“You may live in your skin but you ain’t seen yourself like I have. Try to walk like you. Talk like you. You exaggerate the obvious and miss the critical. Before you know it, you’re a clumsy caricature.”
“A fool’s Gravy no one’s buying.”
“I’ve witnessed you. I live in your fucking skin, I think your thoughts, I read your mail…”
WHAM! Graves slams his skull into the wall behind him… Leaving scalp-shaped blood-splatter…
”I’m even a sick, twisted, violent fuck like you.”
“It ain’t gonna be acting when I wrap your mouth in barbed-wire braces… When I make you swallow nails and steel wool.”
“I’ll make you believe I’m the one true Gravy.”
“Cuz only the real one could make a fake like you beg for death.”
“Get ready… For the performance… of a LIFETIME!”
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