A child’s playing some game on his iPhone… Something bright and colorful, with cartoon-y graphics…

Suddenly, he gets an advertisement for…

DWAYNE ‘THE GROK’ JOHNSON: THE GAME!

…He shrugs and clicks ‘Downlo-

WHAM! THE SECOND HE DOES, THE SIX-FOOT-FIVE MACHINE THAT JIVES BURSTS FROM HIS PHONE!

SHARDS OF GLASS FILL THE CHILDS’ EYES AS GROK SPINS TOWARD THE SCREEN!

“FINALLY! THE GROK HAS COME BACK TO THE GAME!”

“ALL YOU FAT PIECES OF SHIT SITTING IN THE LOBBY, PLANNING YOUR LOADOUT… WHILE THE GROK SPREAD HIS CYBERNETIC LOAD ALL OVER YOUR MOM’S APPLE STRUDEL!”

Note: Strudel is a euphemism for your mother’s pu-

““IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT STRUDEL IS A EUPHEMISM FOR, NARRATOR! YA DISEMBODIED BITCH!”

“YA THINK THE GROK CAN GO TOE-TO-TOE IN A GAME OF VIDEO?”

“YOU PEASANT FUCKS ARE SITTING IN THE BATTLE BUS WHILE THE GROK RIDES TO BATTLE IN A STRETCH TESLA CYBERTANK LIMOUSINE!”

“NAME A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER MORE ICONIC THAN THE GROK!”

“MARIO? I’LL STICK MY FOOT STRAIGHT UP YOUR WARP PIPE! YOUR ASS IS GONNA FEEL LIKE YOU SHAT OUT A FIREFLOWER WHEN I’M DONE STOMPING!”

“SONIC? YOU ENDANGERED BITCH! YOU CAN’T GET HIT AFTER YOU DROP YOUR RINGS? GROK GOT A HAND WITH FIVE RINGS ON IT AND HE’LL BACKHAND YOU SO FAST IT’LL MAKE YOU SPIN!”

“LINK! FAIRY ASS BITCH!”

“MASTER CHIEF! SERVANT GRUNT!”

“FORTNITE! IT’S BEEN MORE THAN A FORTNITE SINCE ANYONE PLAYING THAT SHITTY GAME HAS HAD A WOMAN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THEIR SMALL DISHEVELED PENII!”

“AND SHE WAS A WORKING GIRL! NOW THAT’S WHAT THE GROK CALLS A MICRO-TRANSACTION!”

“YOU WANNA PLAY WITH THE GROK! YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GO UP-UP-DOWN-DOWN-LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT-RIGHT-B-A-B-A-SELECT-START, CUZ GROK IS TAKE EVERY LIFE IN THAT RING UNTIL THE ONLY ONE STANDING IS THE GROK!

IF YA FOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOW!

WHAT THE GROK!

IS!

REASONING!”