The scene opens with Solomon Kline following several steps behind the Edgecrusher as they make their way through the backstage area. There were certain things a main event wrestler had to do before a match. The kinda things amateurs didn't understand. The things that separated people who wrestled matches from the people who MAIN EVENT matches. Tonight, Solomon was going to learn. The Edgecrusher came to a stop with Solomon nearly running into him.

MEEC: We're here.

Edgecrusher proudly pointed at the door to the locker room.

MEEC: When you're a main eventer, they always roll the red carpet out.

A professionally printed sign was taped across the door.






Solomon stared at the sign.

Kline: That's Jay's locker room.

Edgecrusher let out his jolliest, full-bellied laugh.

MEEC: What? No!

He tapped the first two words.

MEEC: See... MAIN EVENT... That's me! Maybe reading comprehension needs to be added to our curriculum.

Edgecrusher grabbed the door handle. Kline reached out to hold the door closed.

Kline: It says Jay Fetu right underneath it.

MEEC: That's French.

Kline: French for what?

MEEC: Edgecrusher.

Kline: Really? Jay Fetu is French for The Edgecrusher?

MEEC: No. Not THE Edgecrusher. Just Edgecrusher. If it was THE Edgecrusher, that would have been Ich Jay Fetu.

Kline: Didn't know you speak French.

MEEC: I don't. But neither do they. That's why they fucked it up so bad.

Edgecrusher opened the door and stepped inside, followed reluctantly by Solomon. The locker room was considerably nicer than Edgecrusher's usual accommodations of a janitor's closet with a sewage leak. A large leather couch sat against one wall. Bottled water filled a cooler beside it. Several pieces of wrestling gear hung from hooks near the lockers. The room had been decorated with tribal patterns, necklaces, wooden carvings, and various pieces of island-themed memorabilia. He turned toward Solomon.

MEEC: What you see before you is the war room of a main eventer. This is the place where a superstar lays out his game plan, studies footage, and does other main event-type stuff.

Kline: This isn't your locker room.

Edgecrusher walked toward the wall and picked up a large tribal wooden carving. He held it up to Kline.

MEEC: Look at this shit. They even got me one of those Hawaiian tiki motherfuckers!

Kline: You should probably put that down.

MEEC: Why?

Kline: Because it belongs to Jay Fetu and is probably very important.

Edgecrusher turned the carving around in his hands, examining it closely.

MEEC: Then why is it in my locker room?

Solomon opened his mouth but stopped. It wasn't even worth it at this point.

MEEC: Exactly.

He returned the carving to the shelf, upside down. Solomon immediately turned it back right side up.

MEEC: Now, Liam Roberts is probably somewhere right now doing normal wrestler shit. Stretching. Working out. That type of rookie stuff.

Kline: Those all sound useful.

Edgecrusher rubbed his hands together in Mr. Burns fashion.

MEEC: ALL WRONG! A Main Eventer prepares differently.

Solomon leaned against the wall.

Kline: So how does a REAL main eventer prepare for a match then?

Edgecrusher froze. He had spent all day working on his juggling routine and hadn't gotten that far in the lesson plan. On the bright side, he was finally up to juggling two balls. His eyes landed on a necklace hanging from the corner of a mirror.

MEEC: With the Main Event Ritual!

Kline: You have a ritual?

Edgecrusher grabbed the necklace and placed it around his neck, then closed his eyes. Solomon watched and waited. And waited. And waited.

And waited.

Kline: You okay?

Edgecrusher slowly raised both arms. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

MEEC: Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.

Solomon stared at him as Edgecrusher lowered his voice.

MEEC: Meka leka hi, meka chahney ho.

Kline: What is that?

MEEC: Ancient Main Event chant.

Kline: What does it mean?

Edgecrusher opened his eyes.

MEEC: Main Event.

Kline: In what language?

MEEC: French.

The Edgecrusher began swaying from side to side.

MEEC: Now you.

Kline: No.

MEEC: Liam Roberts might beat me if you don't.

Kline: That sounds like your problem.

Edgecrusher nodded.

MEEC: Fair enough.

Edgecrusher walked toward the lockers and opened the first one. Inside hung a complete set of wrestling gear. He pulled out a pair of brightly colored tights.

MEEC: And this is what happens when you're a real main eventer.

Edgecrusher held up the tights.

MEEC: The main event gods have gifted me new gear for my match!

Kline: Those aren't for you. Those are Jay's.

Edgecrusher held the tights against himself.

MEEC: Why would they put another man's pants in my locker?

Edgecrusher dug deeper into the locker. Knee pads, boots, wrist tape, even some cool-looking glasses. His excitement increased with every item.

MEEC: The wrestling gods went all out! This stuff must cost like... twenty bucks!

Kline: Probably way more...

Edgecrusher disappeared behind a changing partition. There was rustling and cursing, followed by more rustling.

MEEC: Solomon? How stretchy are wrestling pants supposed to be?

Another loud grunt came from behind the partition.

MEEC: I think they accidentally ordered these for a smaller Main Eventer.

Edgecrusher stepped from behind the partition. The tights were stretched to their absolute limit around his beer belly. One knee pad sat noticeably higher than the other. The boots weren't completely laced. Edgecrusher spread his arms and turned around.

MEEC: Check out the ass.

Kline: I'm not checking out your ass.

MEEC: Professional opinion.

Kline: No.

Edgecrusher walked to the mirror and admired himself.

MEEC: Liam Roberts has no idea what he's walking into.

Kline: I'm sure he doesn't. But we really should leave.

MEEC: Not yet. Haven't finished the ritual.

Edgecrusher reached into Jay Fetu's locker and pulled a bottle of baby oil out. He smiled and held the bottle toward Solomon. Solomon immediately headed for the door.

Kline: No.

MEEC: Solomon....

Kline: No.

MEEC: I can't get my back.

Kline: Absolutely not.

MEEC: Teamwork.

Edgecrusher followed him toward the door, holding out the bottle.

MEEC: Fine. Liam Roberts can deal with a dry Main Eventer.

The scene fades out.